Zack: "Really? That is your question? Maybe you aren't with the traditionalists. They certainly haven't shown much interest in hearing my side of things." He lowers the pistol. "Very well. I'll tell you. The humans thought they had beaten the Arab. They crushed his armies and drove them back to Ur. They believed he shared their pitifully short-sighted goals of territory and material wealth. But that is not at all what he wanted. In the Sumerian temple on the ancient island of Failaka he discovered a text so old that its earliest versions predate the rise of your pitiful species."
Steve: "Yo, that doesn't really answer the question of who this guy is!" says E.
Zack: "Who? I thought you would have figured out his name. He is the Mad Arab Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti. The ruler of Babylon. He who seeks the wisdom of the Fungi to unlock power you humans should never possess. He would bring about the premature end of man in a way that prevents the restoration of the great race. He would cause the crawling chaos to be born into this world."
Steve: So Saddam Hussein is trying to summon Nyarlethotep?
Zack: I don't think even E has the mythos knowledge to know about Nyarlethotep.
Steve: Okay, Kurt is going to be like, "Well, whatever, bro man, but you can't just go around nuking everything or you'll start World War III."
Zack: Morton Downey starts laughing. "Is that what you would call it? The third? You have no idea how many wars there have been for this world."
Steve: "Like, you can laugh about it, man, but nukes never solve anything."
Zack: "You're wrong about that! The more background radiation on this planet, the faster the great race will rise from ignominious insects to the inheritors of this planet. You are a doomed species, not destined to rule this planet for more than a few thousand more years. What does it matter to you if I shorten that rule by a few centuries?"
Steve: Dang this is getting complicated. So the great race he keeps mentioning are the Yith, I get that much, and they are gone but like in the future or something and they use to the crystals to talk to them. And Morton Downey wants to make it so they can come back by launching nukes at Saddam who he says is trying to summon Nyarlethotep. Is that right?
Zack: I will not confirm nor deny any of your theories. Morton Downey was being pretty clear.
Steve: Man we should have brought a tape recorder or like had him talking into an open mic so everyone waiting in the audience hears what he really thinks.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.