Steve: You luck out and the police are slow to respond to your robbery. By the time they arrive fire is consuming the Walgreens and the three of you are long gone.
Zack: That could have gone better. "Left Eye, you torched my fucking drugs!"
Steve: She warns Kurt not to snipe at her while she's trying to drive.
Zack: Actually, Left Eye is going to take charge here. She sees how messed up Kurt is on the cough syrup and she is just going to take charge. Pull up behind the Jaleco building so the care isn't too conspicuous and then head inside.
Steve: Stepping out of the car you can see the smudge of black smoke above the city from the burning drugstore and hear the distant cry of the sirens. The lobby of the Jaleco Tower is decorated with big walls of TV screens playing various Jaleco products.
Zack: Kurt stands entrance by the screen showing Brawl Brothers until Eazy-E pulls him along.
Steve: The receptionist is not impressed with what she sees. She's all, "Uhhhhh can I...help you?"
Zack: Kurt starts laughing and doing slow motion tonfa moves without his tonfas out. Left Eye gets all serious and says to the lady, "Yeah, we're friends of Timothy Shadow here to see him."
Steve: The receptionist seems to calm down slightly and says that Mr. Shadow is located on the basement floor of the building. "I can call him up to help you if you'd like."
Zack: "That won't be necessary. We'll find him." We'll take the elevators down to the basement.
Steve: As the elevator descends into the basement it seems to continue down for a surprisingly long time. The longer it goes the more you feel a strange throbbing in your body, as if a huge heart is beating and reverberating through you. Everyone needs to make a sanity check.
Zack: Kurt failed, the other two passed.
Steve: They lose one each and Kurt loses five as the elevator doors open onto a long corridor that appears to be made of squirming meat. Kurt suffers a temporary insanity. Roll a d10.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Guess what's back? Frosty tundras! And me.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.