Zack: The hatch to the bridge of your ship opens. The human, Jyff Goodshot, and the Mon Calamari, Spurj Bubbo, storm onto the bridge with blasters drawn. "Why did you fire on our ship?"
Steve: "How did you get out of the screen and into real life?"
Zack: They ignore your question. It seems like they really want to shoot you. Ruth manages to calm them down using her Jedi diplomacy skills.
Zack: "Alright," says Jyff, "We will transfer the t-shirts and branded beanies over to your ship."
Steve: Wait, what? Did we talk about this before?
Zack: No, this is the first Blurg has heard about t-shirts. Droids begin to bring crates filled with Yadda t-shirts, beanies, wall scrolls, and CDs in and stowing them in your ship's smuggler holds.
Steve: I have a real problem with this. Killing me is one thing, but if you disrespect intellectual property you might as well destroy the entire civilization we have.
Zack: Bubbo assures you that this is all legit merchandise.
Steve: Do the shirts have tags on them?
Zack: Yes, 19XL and the tag says made on Endor.
Zack: "Don't get all wound up again," says Jyff. "We just need to get this merch into the venue. We're going to pose as roadies so we can get it in there and then you can get an autograph for Beth."
Steve: "My...brother...all those years...we used to sit on rocks together and sun ourselves. We would compare our favorite bugs and eat bird eggs. All those hot deserts we skittered across. All those years that will never happen, taken from me by the Ewoks. And you bring their trash onto my ship?"
Zack: Ruth says, "Technically it's my ship."
Steve: If I didn't care so much about that sweet little girl sitting in a shovel in our cargo hold I would kill all of you.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.