Zack: Before you can shoot the place up, the gamorrean guards escort you back to the space port where your ship has been gassed up. Waiting for you at the bottom of the loading ramp is a slightly less fat version of Jabba. She is sitting in the scoop of a digger being driven by an astromech.
Steve: I'll approach her and ask her name.
Zack: "My name is Beth Hutt," she says. "I am eight years old. I love ponies and flying kites and my favorite person in the whole world is Yadda. Daddy said you would take me to see Yadda."
Steve: "Who is Yadda?"
Zack: Do you have stupidity confused with amnesia?
Steve: Alright, let's get on the ship and leave this planet.
Zack: Yadda and her luggage take up most of your ship's cargo hold. You lift up into the clear Tatooine sky and activate the booster to carry you into orbit. Once you are in space you receive a communication from a nearby starship.
Steve: Answering it with annoyance. "Whhaaaaaa...T.? "
Zack: A rakishly handsome human and a Mon Calamari in a blond wig appear on the screen. The human introduces himself as Jyff Goodshot and refers to himself as a "local entrepreneur." The Mon Calamari gives you an awkward salute and says, in thickly accented basic, "Greetings. I am Spurj Bubblo. Master Hutt instructed us to join your crew to Cloud City and help protect his daughter."
Steve: This seems like a trick.
Zack: "It's not a trick," says Beth Hutt over the intercom.
Steve: "Who is that talking!?" Blurg is firing all the weapons possible at the enemy vessel and targeting their life support systems.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.