Zack:"Hey Chet, looking greasy today." "Thanks Marc, hey want to go hang out in a log cabin? Sure!"

Dr. Thorpe:The most disturbing thing is that the guy on the right is wearing slacks and a tie under that thing. Even back in the seventies, can you imagine showing up at the office with a silly crocheted cardigan? Your boss would just give you that "get out" look.

Zack:It's like Mr. Roger's sweater has been tye-died by a cold and uncaring hippie computer.

Dr. Thorpe:The man on the left is really frightening. He looks like he lost his face in an accident and they created a new one with leather and silly putty and then put some huge hair over it to cover the seams.

Zack:I think that he's just wearing the William Shatner mask from Halloween that has been covered with bronzer to make it seem lifelike. Obviously a failed attempt. There's something childishly mischievous about these two guys though. Their grins, their poses, their garish sweaters; whatever it is they seem like they're about to trick someone into whitewashing that fence behind them so that they can go skip stones.

Dr. Thorpe:If you look really closely you can see that the sweater-vest is called "Dark Shadows." I think that instead of skipping stones they're going to go try out for bit parts on ultra-low-budget vampire soap operas.

Zack:That makes sense. That guy on the left looks like he was made for that creepy poorly-lit video they used back then.

Dr. Thorpe:It's easy to imagine the sickening slurp when he pops that face off and puts it on his nightstand at the end of the day.

Zack:That #206 sticker up in the corner is making me suspect that this might have been entered into evidence somewhere.

Dr. Thorpe:Oh wait just a goddamn minute! Do you remember those Calvin Klein ads with the underage kids in the creepy wood-paneled rec rooms, and the guys in the background would say "do you work out? take your shirt off." These are those guys in the background.

Zack:That follows with the evidence sticker. This might be the very photo that got these two convicted.

Dr. Thorpe:We've looked through a magic portal to the other side of the creepy Calvin Klein ads. I feel like I've just had a sickening epiphany.

Zack:It's like walking in on your parents having sex or realizing that red food coloring is made from beetle wings.

Dr. Thorpe:Or maybe that feeling is just me getting dizzy from looking at the "Blue Skies" cardigan.

Zack:Warning: sweater may cause vertigo.

Dr. Thorpe:They both look like the sort of manly baritone pop singers that were popular back then. They were masculine but a little bit effete, and they sang songs about tiny bubbles in their wine and had names like Englebert Humperdinck.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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