Beautiful Crotchford Heights has so much to offer the budding "home improvement" guru!

Name: Crotchford Heights
Price: $460.02 / month
Pets: Yes

  • Access to "pool", which has been recently upgraded from "bleach dump". Lifeguard on duty if he's not hungover. Crotchford Heights is not responsible for any skin discolorations that may occur after swimming. All items that have been left behind, or even entered the swimming area, are property of Crotchford Heights and its parent company, Hermaphroductilaphonic Inc.
  • Free parking given to all tenants. Car parking to be provided soon.
  • Workout gym, equipped with three 15-lb weights and a broken excercise bike from 1967.
  • Bodies hidden underneath carpet (could be a famous person or perhaps a pirate with directions to his buried treature).
  • Toilets that flush (occasionally).
  • Security "monitored" 24 hours a day, three days a week by the naked hairy guy in room #7.
  • Access and exit doors guarded by villains.
  • Our exclusive "cat breeding policy" attracts many colorful old women with hoards of scummy felines for your petting pleasure.
  • Free doormat coated with various corrosive acids and foreign liquids.
  • MAXIMUM of 18 family members from an exotic country may stay with you at a time. Midgets count as half a person. So do retarded kids.
  • Site of the Annual "Flaming Disco".
  • Picture hanging is allowed and we'll even help you find the studs with our convenient .357 hole system (already installed at no extra charge).
  • "LemonRust" paint scheme.
  • Wide variety of exotic insects may live in the walls. Most don't sting, but some might.
  • Located next door to California's only lip balm store. After living here through a Saturday night, you'll need a lot of it.

Leonard Sez:

"I'd sell my wife and kids for a room here! Well, if I ever take their bloody heads out of my freezer, I will!"

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