Movable ladders provide remote access to "hard to reach" places.

Name: Dementia Circle
Price: $537.63 / month
Pets: At night

  • Holes in wall that provide electricity to your various devices that require electrical current to operate (not included in base rent fee).
  • Some carpeting. Can be used to walk on or to absorb spills.
  • Enclosed ceilings.
  • Rustic "faux-barn" motif will have your friends asking, "Is this some kind of fucking barn or something?"
  • Trash service (will pick up AND deliver).
  • A special "no crack addict" policy. Applicants are asked seriously if they are a crack addict before they can be approved for a lease. Any applicant who attempts to purchase crack from us will be reprimanded.
  • All apartments have been thoroughly inspected for ghosts.
  • Carpets have unique "Chalk Outline" pattern.
  • All faucet knobs have been replaced with knife blades.
  • Spacious ventilation ducts feature easy access for Satan's hellish minions.
  • Free used mattress when you move in. Some re-assembly required. "No stains" model costs extra.
  • Tires of your car "rotated" nightly by Otto.
  • Parking spaces sufficient in size to ensure multiple "character" dimples.
  • On-call dominatrix available daily.
  • Tentacle Devil Penis-free rooms a mere $20 extra.

Leonard Sez:

"When I was 16 years old, I had sex with a woman from Portugal! Only replace the word 'Portugal' with 'my backyard' and the word 'woman' with 'dog'."

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