CHAPTER 3: DIAL "M" FOR MOON!
Biff hopped into SARAH and pressed a red button which made all the surrounding buttons light up and start blinking. The console lit up and Biff punched in the coordinates to King Grabualsa's secret Moon Base on the dark side of the moon.
"Howdy Biff, what adventures are we going to partake in today?" asked SARAH, revving up her hyper-thruster turbo booster atomic steam engine.
"We're going to save planet Earth from being blown up by the evil King Grabualsa, who is planning on blowing it up. We don't have much time, so we've got to hurry, buddy," responded Biff while watching the console lights flicker and reflect off the sweat from his bulging biceps. Since I'm not gay, I'll add that Biff was thinking about having oral sex with three woman. All at the same time.
SARAH shot into hyperdrive mode and tore out, making cosmic tire tracks on the lunar surface. Biff, knowing that King Grabualsa would probably have some tricks up his sleeve, prepared the Nuclear Assault Cannon. Sure enough, incoming bad guy lights began to show up on his Badguyometer.
"Hey Biff, we got some bogeys incoming, pal!" SARAH exclaimed while putting the weapons systems online. "Get ready to blast 'em!"
King Grabualsa's enemy UFOs swept down from the atmosphere and began a bombing barrage. Some of the explosions created craters in the moon that SARAH had to jump over. Biff's skills were really put to the max, as he found himself shooting his Nuclear Assault Cannon at the UFOs above him while jumping over ditches and rocks. Jumping over the rocks gave him 100 points. I don't remember how much he got for shooting the UFOs. Probably 500. Each.
After blowing up a few more UFOs and bringing his score up to 7,900, Biff looked into the night sky and saw all his enemies were thoroughly destroyed by his l33t death cannon skills. It was once again peaceful driving across the surface of the moon. It was quiet... TOO quiet. The silence from the lack of noise was soon shattered by an ear-piercing sound which Biff knew that he had heard of all too well.
"Great galaxies!" he shouted while programming in a new attack plan. "They're sending the Sonic Jetcars after us!"
Sure enough, there was a Sonic Jetcar behind them, getting ready to strike. Sonic Jetcars attack their enemies by hovering behind them and suddenly accelerating for no reason, crashing into the vehicle and causing a deadly explosion that blows up whatever is inside the explosion that occurs when they blow up. Biff knew the nefarious tactics of these jetcars and was prepared for them.
"You killed my father but you will never kill me, Sonic Jetcar!" Biff shouted while pushing the gear stick into 19th gear. Suddenly, to his horror, the gear stick broke off in his hand!
"Jumping Jupiter!" Biff cried. "SARAH, quick, shift into 19th gear! The gear stick broke off!"
"I'm sorry Biff, I can't do that! The gear shift is manual and I have no computer control over it! You'd better act fast, that Sonic Jetcar is closing in on us!"
Biff looked in the cyber-rear view mirror and noticed that the Sonic Jetcar was indeed getting closer and closer to them. He realized he had to act fast.
"I have to act fast!" Biff shouted, thinking of something he could stick into the gear shift in order to push the car into 19th gear. If only he could find something big and solid enough to put inside SARAH. After unzipping his pants, his problem was solved.
"Ooh! Harder, Biff! You've got to push it real hard to get into 19th gear!" SARAH exclaimed. Glistening sweat was dripping off Biff's manly brow and onto SARAH's smooth, silky dashboard. Biff's rhythmic pelvic thrusts made the console lights shine and dim with every push.
"Yeah baby, talk dirty to me SARAH!" Biff grunted while placing his hands on the glove compartment and caressing her air vents.
"Mmmm, yeah Biff, you're the best Moon Patrol Pilot ever! Do it to me one more time, baby!"
Biff could hold back no longer. The intense pressure pushed the car into 19th gear and it sped far away from the Sonic Jetcar (which crashed into a rock and exploded).
"I'm tired of your games, King Grabualsa! This time it's personal!" Biff exclaimed while driving SARAH deep into the sunset and zipping up his pants.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Mr. Sakurai-sama, where the FRICK is Dino Riki!?
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
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