This article is part of the Online Anarchy series.

So much knowledge is at your disposal right this very second. You could be reading about the operation of nuclear subs or city subway systems or even sub sandwiches, but no, you're right here about to find out how to become an anarchist in your very own home-- mid 90's style!

You may already know that lots of guys tried to spread their anarchistic values on the early Internet, but none could quite hold a candle to XOZero. For years he wrote text files and spread them around hoping to bring down the establishment and set in motion a new world order in which he would be free to commit crimes, buy and sell what he wants, and watch TV all day without having to go to gym class.

In his April 1995 installment, our hero tries to accomplish what he couldn't the other three times: total worldwide anarchy and chaos.

 ____  _  _  ____    ____ _  _ ____ ___  ___ _  _ _  ___ ____ _ ___
/ /__/ /__ /___// |/ /___//__// /__/ / /___ / )/___
/ / / /____ / // | / // __ / / / ___/ / ___/
------ G U I D E B O O K ------
A P R I L 1 0 , 1 9 9 5

Hello welcome to my 17th text file. This is XOZero I am a
professional anarchist here to serve you and bring you the
ideas that breed a winner. Sorry about the delay in getting
this one out. My mom got me a job working part time at CVS.
Yes of course by now you should know that Im not like serious
about this job or anything. Im only doing it so I can buy some
supplies such as stink bombs and black clothes and a necklace
for Beth. So Dont Complain That Im A Working Man!!!

Hmmm... Lets see what is in my E-Mail since last time . . .


"Hi I'm a dad and I think your a bad influence. You
prey on my children's minds and make them into bad kids.
F***** YOU FOREVER!! Sincerely, a dad"

"i tryed your suggestion about calling pepto bismol
'poops abysmal' and it worked and now everyone at school
is calling it that. we dont really talk about medicine
much but when we do its always about 'poops abysmal' so thanks"

But enough bragging .......

On with the chaos!!!!!!!

---=={ LIFE AS A TREE }==---
Find a tree with a big ol hole in it and get inside. When some
couple comes over to sit under the tree and be romantic you can go
"Im A Tree I Know All About Nature And All Of Her Creatures. You
Two Should Not Get Married Because It Will Make Nature Mad." Then
the boyfriend will go crazy and start busting up the tree and thats
when you should get the heck out of there.

---=={ DETECT THIS!!! }==---
Call up the detective of the police department in your town and say
"I've Got A Lead On Your Biggest Case!!!" and then he will say "OK
IM COMING RIGHT OVER!" but here's the trick... you never told him
where you are so he will just drive around the town all night
wondering what it was that was so important and he will probably
start to cry.

---=={ MARRIAGE MAYHEM }==---
Go up to a married couple at the store (wal-mart, kmart, ect.) and
get them apart from each other and say to the husband "Hello Sir
Did You Know Your Wife Is Talking Trash About You At The Other End
Of The Store??"and then go to the wife and say "Hello Madam Your
Husband Thinks You Are A Crazy Coot And You Kiss Like A Wet Skunk.
He Told Me All This. Im His Friend" then basically that marriage
is over..

---=={ GOLF CART CHAOS }==---
For this you need a friend to help. Go up to the school security
guard in the golf cart and start making small talk with him. Then
start examining his ride and ask him what kind of mileage he gets
on this baby and while you have his attention your friend can
sneak around to the other and flick him off multiple times.

---=={ PUTRID PARTY }==---
When a jock is having a party with friends one thing you can do is
get a really small dog and hollow out a rotten watermelon. Then
put the dog in the watermelon and stand on the sidewalk outside
the party and roll the dogmelon up the walkway and into the front
door. Then the dog will eat its way out and do its business on the
carpet. I dont know how to train a dog to do this yet.

---=={ LIVELY LIBARY }==---
Dress up like Theordore Roosevelt the best you can and get a big
pillow to go under your shirt so you look real fat. Then go to a
libary and walk around bumping books off the shelves with your
belly. When a libarian comes over to help pick up the books just
adjust your glasses (on the little chain) and go "Oh Im Sorry My
Lady I Am Just So Portly And It Cant Be Helped!" and while this
is happening your friend can sneak in and steal some of the days
newspapers. Then use the stolen papers to learn about local and
national politics because knowledge is power.

---=={ SLIME TIME }==---
Make a nasty concoction of all your things in the refrigerator
in a blender and hide it in a plastic bag under your shirt then
go to a barber shop. Right when the barber is almost done with
your haircut open the bag and start spilling it out on your lap
and start making groan noises. Then the barber will be like "Hey"
and you can just run out the door and finish the haircut at home
for free. Congrats you now know the secret to free haircuts.

---=={ MOUNTAIN MADNESS }==---
If your stepdad makes you go climbing with strangers you should
make them think you have a bad case of mountain madness. Start
talking about mountains and how much you love them and you want
to live on one someday and climb a mountain every day forever.
Then kiss the mountain very passionately and say "I! LOVE! THIS!!
MOUNTAIN!!!!" and slip a hula hoop (engangment ring) around a big
rock. Then pick a climber to be the best man and a brides maid or
two and a priest and start the wedding. Write your own vows for
the mountain and begin calling her by her mountain name like a
first name and ask her what she wants to do this weekend. Then
when they start to say you aren't faking it anymore and that you
actually have mountain madness thats when you can play it off
like it was a joke, because it was a joke the entire time. It was
always a joke. You were never actually in love with a mountain.

Well thats the end of this edition. I hope you will survive
in an ever corporate world until next session when I bust out
the big guns and show you how to make a pumpkin into a burning
bowling ball of stinky crud. So long . . .


| |
| |
| RANDY II Ouuughhhhh?? |
| MorePOWER Aruuuugh |
| I_Think_So_Tim Augh Augh Augh |
| WilsonsWisdom Stephen |

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)

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