|How It Looks||How It Tastes||How I Feel About It|
|I like this! I will eat this!|
|I have not tried this.||You cannot fool me with this new food! This is not the food I like! The next three hours will be spent picking out each piece I dislike with the meticulous intensity that nerds use to categorize old videogames.|
|I have not tried this.||I'm just going to go ahead and scatter this "food" across the floor, and you're not going to say a word if you know what's good for you.|
Yes that is a threat.
|I have not tried this.||I will stare at the bowl for an hour. Then I will meow at you for an undetermined period of time. When I bore, I will return to staring at the bowl. Then I will begin meowing again at 4am and will not stop until the sun rises above the neighboring houses.|
|I have not tried this.||You have exactly three hours to replace this new garbage with my preferred food before I find my way into your closet and cough a huge juicy hairball all over your favorite shoes. The clock is ticking, human.|
|I have not tried this.||This is not food. This is an insult to everything I hold dear. Tonight while you sleep I'm going to piss outside my litter box. Where? You will never find out. I know places you cannot reach and corners you've never seen.|
|I have not tried this.||You know that credenza you love? The mahogany heirloom with the marble top you got from your great-great grandmother? Well, just to be clear, I'm going to scratch the shit out if it. And it's your fault.|
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
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