Imagine a world where moms are no longer a person and are a service, provided to you where and when you need it. That world is now, thanks to Madre, our innovative logistics and delivery service. Integrating our Madre app with our Madre deliverables, we can provide a custom mom experience to any person in the world* (currently San Francisco and NYC test markets) within sixteen minutes.
Here's how it works for consumers:
Select a mom service, from hugging, to scolding, to life advice. Got it? Now request your Madre from one of eight types:
Large White Mom
Old World Mom
Best Friend Mom
Within sixteen minutes, your Madre will arrive at your location. Billing is nine dollars per visit (to cover our fee) plus four dollars per minute of momming. Take as little or as much time as you need. For that time your Madre is your mom. She will respond to any nickname you like, she will offer hugs, strokes, advice, and many other types of mom service.
Our Madres are available for children, adults, or groups.
If you are a mom and you would like to become a Madre, just log into the app and create a profile for yourself. Within an hour you can be momming wherever you are, even on vacation! Our unique rating system will help match users to you based on your strengths and help you achieve that coveted five-star Madre rating. It is time to mometize your skills!
UPDATE: Madre would like to apologize for some misunderstandings about our service. We are absolutely NOT trying to compete with mothers or do away with mothers or, as our CMO said yesterday during an AMA, "shitcan obsolete moms." We are providing a mom alternative that respects mothers and attempts to elevate and reward them for their many talents.
Also, regarding the name, as former Google employees we spoke to several people who might have spoken Spanish. They were OK with us using the name. They said it was cool. We are NOT like Juicero and we need our third line of VC in like a week to make salaries so please stop posting nasty things about us online.
We absolutely reject the claims that Madre is, as one writer claimed, a "ghoulish intrusion of capitalism into the very heart of what makes human society function." We are not "undermining the soul of mankind" at all nor are we "the most villainous parasites drinking the life's blood of the world." Although we understand the confusion! We hope we can be clear with our intent in the future.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by dire climate change news, try taking action personally! You can make a difference in the world!
Urine? Or perhaps an abundance of crotch sweat? Either way, it's a good thing you're in a karate class. This is the ideal place to covertly get some airflow down there, speeding up the evaporation process by as much as 4%.
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