Much has been said about the medical advice I offer on my talk show. Words like "good" and "great" have often be preceded by the word "not." Most of these critics have been so-called "health professionals." You know, people working for an industry that is directly linked to giving medicine to people. Think about that: they are profiting from giving you medicine and they want to stop me from telling you to feed your heart pills to your cat and drink lotus juice.
They profit from the industry of health. What do I profit from? Giving idiots solutions. I am about more than just pumping you full of pills. I can see the whole picture and that picture is helping you realize your best self.
Now listen very carefully, because I know you are easily distracted and I want to talk to you about the iron man diet.
What if you were made from iron? The average human body weighs 165 pounds. If you eat 165 pounds of iron supplements your body will gradually replace your meat with iron until you are completely iron. And guess what: 165 pounds of iron is a lot more dense than 165 pounds of dandruff and hoagies. You'll be able to wear baby clothes and save money on travel by shipping yourself. Even better, you will be impervious to bullets. And I mean they'll just bounce off, not like the time I told you Reiki can heal gunshot wounds.
I want you to remember the name Dr. Timo Terrio. Write it down. Dr. Timo Terrio has developed a new form of ionic therapy that is 100% crystal based. He has tested this technique on his parrot, Ralph (pronounced rafe) and his two ferrets (Charles and Diana even though they are both boys), and he has confirmed to my satisfaction that it is completely safe and effective for removing negative ions from your children.
The Terrio technique will require several large crystals which you can harvest yourself from a meteorite or log onto my website and I will provide referral links to Dr. Terrio's etsy store. These crystals will positively charge your ions and increase your healthiness levels.
Stay tuned and I will tell you how to unlock your body's true health potential using a new technique that's actually thousands of years old. It's called the Stonehenge diet and wait until you hear what it can do for the free toxins in your blood.
Did you know that in 1982 the remains of a 2nd century BC druid were found in a peat bog and they were almost perfectly preserved. This is because the druid died with almost zero percent body toxins. No toxins, no decay.
How do you get this diet? First you will need to build a henge big enough to enclose your entire body. You can use books, tombstones, pizza boxes, Tombstone pizza boxes, or whatever else works for you. Then you are going to activate the ley line and transform yourself into a being of pure energy. Once you are pure energy, you can tap into that ley line and energize yourself and travel through space and time.
Trust me, it works. I use this diet on myself. I built a henge out of pet grave markers at Joshua Tree and I traveled to 600 BC as an entity of pure energy. Since then I haven't eaten anything larger than a peanut. And I don't mean one of those big peanuts, I am talking about an average to small peanut.
Lastly, before they attempt to shut me off, I want you to write this down: scream manifestation. This is the act of screaming your desires as loud as possible to manifest them physically. Want a promotion? Trying to woo a lover? Can't get pregnant? Scream as loud as possible and your problems will be over.
This week's show is brought to you by Doctor Zimphander's Throat Lozenges. Mulberry, honey, zinc, and colloidal silver are combined to soothe your throat. These lozenges have been certified as effective against cancer by the National Cancer Board of Nauru. You can order them through the referral link on my site.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.