This article is part of the Don Larry is USA PATRIOT TOUGH series.


Only what you need to know. For profit school where you and the kids make money while they learn.

First period: pledge and constitution and bible. Kids recite the pledge and then take turns reading the important parts of the constitution and bible so they understand what is the foundation of our country.

Second period: Exercise. Kids need to get a workout which will be operating a for-profit loading dock and learning how to drive a forklift designed for children by me. I already have the drawings done up and all I need is to raise the $75 I need for the lumber and the bobcat rental for the prototype.

Third period: Lunch. All you can eat hamburgers using pink slime (100% safe) but you gotta pay enough for us to make money on them.

Fourth period: Math. Does not include anything past geometry and even that I am suspicious of so I'll have to sit in on those classes and make sure they don't talk about any weird shapes like pentagrams.

Fifth period: Movie time. We have a bunch of movies hand picked by me. Educational stuff like shows I taped off the military channel, basically Top Shot and Future Weapons, plus some of the few good Hollywouldn't movies like Rambo films, Die Hard films and Maniac Cop films.

Sixth period: Shooting. I will teach the kids how to shoot everything from a .22 rifle to a black powder cannon I made myself that shoots crumpled pop cans through a sheet of plywood.

Fee: $600 a year plus you have to sign something saying if your kid dies or I accidentally bring in one of my massage videotapes you can't sue me.

You can thank me later.

Hang on, next week I am gonna do another one of these about Police and Firefighters, because I can tell you what I got two tickets last year for speeding in a children's hospital zone (like they're special or something) and the only time the fire department ever came out to my house was when they put out the fire of me burning used car batteries which I didn't want put out in the first place, so no thank you to more of either of them.

Also since they never let me write one of these I just wanted to say god bless andrew breitbart RIP we will catch the killers someday.

A true warrior. Your fight will live on in all of us.

Don Larry

Battle Creek, MI


"The private sector is doing fine." - Bullcrap Insane Obonkers at a press conference letting the whole world see exactly why he is the worst president ever and must be defeated in 2012 otherwise I might end up dead or in jail or fed chemicals that turn me into a gay person.

I want it to be known I don't endorse any book that does not feature a picture of a conservative radio host on the cover, but they are making me put this link here UNDER PROTEST.

– Don Larry Patriot Report (USA PATRIOT TOUGH) (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2020 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful