The dire news about the climate can be overwhelming. With temperatures rising, sea ice retreating, droughts spreading, and extreme weather worsening, the political inaction on climate change can be the most distressing part of all. Good news! There are plenty of little actions you can take as an individual that will help the environment!
- Vote for the politicians who love fracking instead of the politicians who loooove fracking. All politicians support fracking in America, but do they have to be so in your face about it?
- Learn to detest all animals other than humans so you can celebrate the inevitable extinction of mankind's enemies. Goodbye frogs, you pieces of shit. So long horses, you fucked up opposing us. Coral reef? You were just some weird rocks.
- Try eating bugs? I guess? Eating bugs has to somehow be better than eating hamburgers. Rich people won't eat bugs, but you should. They probably already eat bugs in one of those good countries like Guatemala or Myanmar that doesn't have any problems.
- Find out if your house is on a fossil fuel or renewable electric grid. If it's on a fossil fuel electric grid, stop using electricity. It's just that simple. Turn off all the lights, never use appliances, never recharge your devices, sit in the dark, take a bunch of pills, put a bag over your head, and slowly asphyxiate yourself to death.
- Live somewhere that you won't need a car to get around. Say in a subway tunnel or underneath a log flume at an abandoned amusement park.
- Put some different windows in your house. Sure. Why not?
- Did I mention eating bugs? You could compost your trash with bugs and then eat the bugs so you're eating trash. Very efficient! Living the good life!
- Grow your own produce in your backyard! You can grow your own vegetables. Devote yourself full time to growing enough vegetables to feed your family. Give up your hobbies and career aspirations. You're the vegetable guy now. You grow them and eat them and guard them with your life. Your precious dirt treasures. It sure beats driving to the store and spending five dollars on a giant sack of vegetables. You're helping the environment! Think of it this way: every potato you grow is one ant you are saving. I don't know if the math works, but try to tell yourself that as you throw your life away growing fucking potatoes.
- Instead of streaming your favorite TV show, how about streaming a real stream? It burns no fossil fuels! Enjoy the soothing sight of water flowing over rocks, a visual treat that has stimulated mankind for thousands of years. Plus if coal ash suddenly fills the stream you can try to scoop some out and bury it to sequester the carbon.
- As the world heats up you will want to use air conditioning more and more, but dirt is nature's air conditioner. It's why your basement is cooler than the rest of the house. For every foot underground things are one degree cooler. So to beat the 120 degree temperatures expected throughout the southwest to a livable 80 degrees or below you can dig a 40 foot deep cool room. Ah! Now that's living!
- Hey, how about those bugs? They're free and only like 1 in 500 has one of those horrifying giant worms inside. Those are edible too!
Never feel hopeless in the face of the global catastrophe of climate change. Especially not when you're eating a cricket burrito.
– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)