Did you know American Christians are among the most persecuted groups in world history? It's true--and it's never been truer than in Indiana, where responsible business owners are forced to commit the unspeakable act of accepting transactions from people who differ in faith or sexual orientation. Thankfully, this waking nightmare came to an end with the recent signing of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which revived the God-given right of Christians to pass judgment on everyone around them. But did you know this law also places restrictions on certain behaviors within the great state of Indiana? Because it's such a popular destination for business and pleasure, I've put together a little list of things to avoid whenever you're in Gary or any of the Hoosier State's beautiful and welcoming locations.
- Now Illegal: Entering the state while named "Gaylord."
- Alternate Solution: All "Gaylords" are to report to the nearest City Hall upon crossing the state border. For a modest fee, they will be given the choice of one of two new legal names: "Heteroking" or "Straightsy."
- Now Illegal: Watching any episodes of The Flintstones.
- Alternate Solution: None, until our crack team of media experts can figure out a way to successfully change the lyric "we'll have a gay ol' time" into "our actions will reflect upon the glory and wonder of the One True Christian God."
- Now Illegal: Using money to force a bakery or other business to bake your gay wedding cake.
- Alternate Solution: If you must be gay married, you can always buy two different wedding cakes with a solitary figure of the same gender atop each one. But please remember: In accordance with the Religious Freedom Restoration act, placing these cakes in the same room or including them in the same ceremony is prohibited by law.
- Now Illegal: Eating hot dogs or any processed meats from the frankfurter family over eight inches in length.
- Alternate Solution: Footlongs may be consumed if first sliced into individual pieces, but we recommend you generally stick to flat meats and other assorted patties to avoid a state-mandated police beating.
- Now Illegal: Bicycles.
- Alternate Solution: Ignoring the vast reserves of petroleum given to us is an affront to our generous God and the brave fighting men who make possible the fifteen-mile drive to our nearest grocery stores. If you must ride a vehicle without an internal combustion engine, we recommend you spill the equivalent gasoline per mile behind you as a sign of respect.
- Now Illegal: Men wearing any shade of red lighter than "rose."
- Alternate Solution: Anything close to the color pink on a masculine body trods heavily upon our religious beliefs. We recommend you stick to cooler color palettes unless you're looking to be an easy target for Indiana's famed wandering bandits with knife skills and traditional values. (Known by most of the country as "Boy Scouts.")
- Now Illegal: Soccer.
- Alternate Solution: "European football" is a feminine sport that doesn't give its so-called "athletes" enough breaks to pray and reflect upon God's glory. In most cases, we recommend American football, which showcases the ideal masculine form by regularly showing its viewers piles of rippling, sweaty bodies made in His image.
- Now Illegal: Using the word "Hoosier" in vain.
- Alternate Solution: We Indianians have long since forgotten the meaning of "Hoosier," but we know it is a solemn, powerful word often used to confuse our enemies into submission. If you must express your displeasure about something, the English language offers several racial slurs that we in Indiana regularly accept in normal conversation.
– Governor Mike Pence