Family dining mega-chain Applebees offers fried food to clog the arteries of America's heartland. I performed a bypass and went over the head of my server to take my complaints straight to corporate.


I don't know where to begin…

The waitress at your store made me take off my shirt before she would take my order. I ordered the blooming onion and it was delicious. Now my chest hair is matted with ranch dipping sauce and I'm beset by gnats.

Thanks, but "no thanks," if you know what I mean.

Very truly yours,

Zack Parsons

Everyone knows McDonald's and their reputation, but did you know that McDonald's will not deliver their food? I know! What an outrage!

Howdy McDonald's,

I called from the rodeo and wanted a Big Mac but you said "NO!" and hung up the phone on me. The rodeo was good. Tuscaloosa Patrick Moynihan broke some ribs, but everyone else was okay. Lashonda "Portnoy's Complaint" Cody is looking like an up-and-comer in the girl's 8-11 division.

I called back after the rodeo and asked why you didn't deliver to the rodeo (because no one ever brought my Big Mac) and you said, "McDonald's doesn't deliver!" and I said, "Heh, you got that right. You sure don't." I emphasized the last two words just like that. Then you hung up again.

Who are you to say you won't deliver to the rodeo?

PS - Bring back the McWrist Deluxe.

America's largest donut chain, Dunkin Donuts, has been stuffing the gullets of bleary eyed early-risers for decades. Now it's time to stuff something back into their evil corporate maw!

Hail and well met, Dunkin Donut!

For the third day in a row the lady with the face behind the counter told me that she had prematurely exhausted her reserve of Jumpin' Jack Omeledgwiches. Without this breakfast staple I am left to gaze with disgust at the roach-tracked hillocks of over-sugared excrement you identify as dough-nuts, before scalding all possible sense from my mouth and throat with a cup of your 1000 degree kaffee.

The dull-eyed Hindi sow stationed behind the enlardener has barely the intellect to form the words professing her establishment's inadequacy, let alone put one clopper afore the next and chart a course to the nearest undumbfucker machine. She could drain the stupefying untouchable sperm from that syphilitic cyst of curry and wet papadums she calls a brain and set about the task of rectifying this entirely unacceptable situation.

Alack, no, she opts to stare at me with the slack look of a vacant Hallow'een mask as the last dregs of boiling kaffee empty across my chin! Therefore, I lodge a complaint. Consider yourself the recipient of this electronic capsule containing but a small crumb of this feast that is my wroth.

Dare ye, Dunkin Donut - if that is your name - dare ye ignore this complaint? I have been accused of many atrocities in my day, myriad and sunderful misdeeds, but I have never been accused of possessing a surfeit of forgiveness.

Yo, peace out!

Dr. Bok Bagok
Professor Emeritus and Longest Man in Colorado

My complaints have not yet generated a response. I'm sure these five establishments are just waiting for the right moment to begin their restructuring.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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