It's Talk Like a Pirate Day to the power of a thousand. If you are reading this on December 21st, 2012, then the population of every social media outlet is currently falling all over themselves to prove just what they think about that silly Mayan calendar doomsday scenario. Some are debunking, some are mocking, most are making terrible jokes about the Mayan calendar guy getting distracted.
I swear , you're a complete dumb ass if you believe the world is gonna end. I mean, what the fuck is a Mayan anyways?- tommyjballinger18? (@TommyBallinger) December 20, 2012
They're all playing right into the hands of the Mayans. Like a 6,000 year Spanish Prisoner con, the Mayans were playing on our greatest weakness: our need to prove that we are intellectually superior to ancient Mesoamericans. From our greatest scientists, to people tweeting "What the fuck is a Mayan?", we are acting out the final moments of our civilization exactly as the Mayans have planned.
Like ancient stones locking into a National Treasures puzzle door, you will know the last moments are upon us when the top three trending hash tags on twitter are all related to the Mayans. Each shitty joke, each terrible pun and each sneer at the ancient Mayans will serve as a beacon through time.
It's the 21st and I'm still drinking Coors. Fuck off Squanto and the rest of you Mayans- Matt Daus (@DatDude_MD) December 21, 2012
And they will rise. Drawn by local TV news banter and joke macros on Facebook, faces hidden behind jaguar masks, clubs studded with volcanic glass. They will emerge from nothing and fall upon our frail bodies, pulping us with their ancient fury, tearing down our Taco Bell and Dunkin' Donuts combo restaurants. Chasing us with their bloody arms outstretched, pursuing us across exercise equipment at LA Fitness, through daycare nap rooms, and wherever someone is tweeting on their phone.
The moon will rise on streets strewn with bodies. Dogs will howl for dead masters and jaguars wills stalk the freeways. The police will try to hold them off, defending the shelters from the Mayans, but they move like the shadows themselves, powered by every tweet, every Facebook post, every shitty comedy article exactly like this one.
End of world talk is gay. World would have ended 7 months ago by the Mayan calendar because there were no leap years until later- Maisie MacGillivray (@maisie93) December 17, 2012
Fires will rage out of control. Airplanes will crash as Mayans batter their way into the cockpit and shrug off bullets. Each of us will die screaming, for our friends, for our loved ones, but most of all for our phones, because we were midway through a tweet about how ridiculous the Mayan calendar bullshit is.
We did this to ourselves. We fell for their longest of cons.
And if it's December 21st, and you look around on all the social media outlets, I think you can agree: we deserved it.
#Mayans can suck a dick haha-[ Cody Sestrich [ (@CSestrich21) December 21, 2012
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
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