Due to current plans by the National Basketball Association to expand the league to Necro Hell and invite the Dripping Flesh Hulks of Necro Hell's Fusion Pits to play in exhibition games, we ask that all players please refrain from commenting on Necro Hell's ongoing invasion of Goodlandia. We agree that the people of Goodlandia are a harmless and largely helpless people, but they don't really like basketball, so we must insist that the Necro King's throne of tortured bodies not be mentioned.

We understand that some players may have friends and family in Goodlandia and we will do everything we can to assist them in hiring blockade runners to fly people out of Goodlandia before the slavering horde climbs over the ramparts and slaughters everything living only for the Necro Priests to use dark magics to turn the lifeless corpses into a shambling parody of life with the singular purpose to kill. What we will not tolerate is commentary on these events from players and coaches in the league. The Necro King loves basketball and we value his contributions to the league and to helping to spread the game to his unholy deathless kingdom.

Unfortunately, due to some past actions by players and coaches, we will now be imposing a fine of $25,000 for making derogatory comments about any of the following:

  • The Woe Prison - Some very bad hombres in this prison.
  • The Cathedral of Perpetual Immiseration - You prefer not to comment on religion.
  • The Great Serpent Ygrdek Who Shall Devour the Sun - It will reduce global warming.
  • The Hundred Hectar Sin Cauldron - A cauldron where the sin of life can be boiled away from a screaming body sounds amazing.
  • The Slaughter Spire Where Kidneys Are Taken From Prisoners and Given to NBA Team Owners - It is not the place of NBA players to judge the prison and medical industries of Necro Hell.
  • The Necro King's Catacombs of Child Laborers - They are hard workers and building a better economy for Necro Hell.
  • The Movie the Necro King Financed That Depicts Americans as Evil - Hey, our NBA is going to Necro Hell, their game where Muscle Freaks swing screaming victims at trees until their skulls pop off is not coming to America.

Players and coaches represent the NBA at all times. If they are traveling to Necro Hell they must remember that while there are over 300 million people living in America there are over 10 billion of the living dead in Necro Hell. And they buy t-shirts, sweat bands, and various other merch that is the lifeblood of the NBA. They watch our games projected on the clouds of steam escaping from the canals of flowing viscera in their cities. That is a public exhibition of our content and it is very valuable. Every lowing mutant thronging the streets of Malebolge means views. If we insult their government or their culture, we are going to lose access to their invaluable market.

Please think before you talk. Necro Hell is our partner in bringing basketball to the living and the dead! Also, some of us need new kidneys, so don't mess this up.

Thanks

Adam Silver

– Adam Silver (@sexyfacts4u)

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