Coach: Okay guys, come here. Don't make it obvious that I'm asking this but which basket are we shooting at? I got turned around for a second.

Player 1: Not this again.

Player 2: (Subtly nodding towards one side of the court) That one, coach.

Coach: Are you absolutely sure? Because it would be super embarrassing to put the ball in the wrong hoop with all these people watching.

Player 2: Pretty sure, yeah. But now I'm doubting myself. Aw geez.

Player 3: Coach! [Player 4] is making that face at me again!

Player 4: I'm just smiling over here. Am I not allowed to smile?

Player 3: You know what you're doing you antagonistic son of a bitch. That's the classic "durr" face. And it's aimed. At. Me.

Player 4: Maybe that's just how my face is. In which case that would have been an insulting thing for you to say.

Coach: Focus! (Holds up a small whiteboard with a diagram of a basketball court) A basketball court has two baskets. From what I can tell they are practically identical. How are we going to figure out which is ours and which belongs to the bad guys?

Player 2: Maybe they aren't identical. Like, what if the net on one basket is slightly looser in one spot. Or frayed.

(Silence as everyone takes turns squinting at both nets)

Player 5: Hey can I get some hot chocolate?

Player 1: Dude, we've got plenty of water and Gatorade. No one wants hot chocolate.

Player 5: Well I want hot chocolate. If this is about money I'll pay for it.

Player 2: Coach, how do you keep losing track of our basket? We run all over the place and jump and spin but you stay in one spot. All you need to remember is whether it's on your left or right.

Coach: (Shakes head sadly) You've got a lot to learn, kid. As the coach I have to envision the entire court in my mind from every angle. It's like I'm a dang god.

Player 1: It's not about money, [Player 5]. Drinking a hot rich beverage while you're running back and forth for two hours is a bad idea.

Coach: (Continuing) Besides, we have to switch baskets at the beginning of every quarter. I don't know how they expect us to keep track. Remembering which basket we're aiming at is like 80% of my job.

Player 2: Isn't that specifically what the assistant coaches are for?

Assistant Coach 1: Dude, no. We're designated survivors. If a bomb goes off and coach gets atomized we step in. Smooth transition of power and all that.

Player 2: Shouldn't you be in a bunker, then? Instead of literally right next to coach?

Assistant Coach 2: If we were in a bunker when he got blown up it would take too long to get to the court. We'd risk a delay of game penalty.

Assistant Coach 1: Yeah. Let us coaches worry about the thinking, muscle guy.

Player 5: (Spit-take) This water doesn't have a single marshmallow in it! What is this, a Gulag?

Player 3: Coach! [Player 4] flipped me off again!

Player 4: I had an itch. Am I not allowed to scratch my eyelids?

Player 3: With your middle fingers?

Player 1: Coach, why don't you just ask the ref which basket is ours?

Coach: Oh my god you can't be serious. That would be a disaster. What if you go ask him, but don't let him know you're asking for me? Tell him I definitely know.

Player 2: The more I think about it, the more I'm coming around on the hot chocolate.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2019 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.