Dear Rock Man,
Thank you for purchasing the Rock Tumbler 3000. I am sorry to hear that you are displeased with the Rock Tumbler 3000. Keep in mind when advertising the Rock Tumbler 3000, we did promise to smooth the surface of rocks; however, it should be noted that we meant ping pong sized rubies, not an entire body. Sorry for the confusion. We hope you find an alternative method for improving your complexion. Enclosed are three Rock Tumbler 3000s and one order of Tumbler Stones. We look forward to your extended enjoyment from our products.

Rock Dude
Yo, I didn't know, ok? If I knew you were just walking around, I wouldn't have called the cops and the landlord. It's just whenever you move my ceiling starts shaking. The dude beside me thinks he is in a metal band and he plays guitar till like 3 am, so I just figured you were drumming up there or boning. I don't know. Dude, I'm so sorry, and I hope you find another place soon. Here's a coupon for three free months of Netflix.

Dear Mr. Rock Man
First, I want to wish you the best of luck with your surgery. All of us at the Lady of the Mist hope for your speedy recovery. I am unable to convey how worried we all were when we heard of your difficulties. We do, however, regret to inform you that while we will take responsibility for taking you close enough to the Niagara Falls to soak you, we will not take responsibility for the water freezing in the cracks and damaging your craggy exterior. Lady of the Mist waterfall boat rides has no control over the weather or your decision to take it in the middle of December. Again, we hope that you recover and that we can handle this outside of court. We have included three tickets for a July ride.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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