Took this with Instagram on my last 5K. Cyclists beware: some big races are coming up and I will be out and about. I will make a hole if you don't make one for me.First and foremost, remember that we are human beings, entitled to the same human rights and human safety as you. Amid the tumult of the city, the comings and goings of speed-crazed moron bicyclists, there is a gentler breed of people. We have chosen as our mode of transportation the superior method of conveying ourselves from one place to another. It has the lowest environmental impact, it is the most economical, and we pose the least threat to those around us. Some may call us naked runners or barefoot joggers, others call us the people with the weird shoes, but we call ourselves Vibramists.

The current state of affairs is disgusting. The simpletons on their bicycles continue to menace my fellow Vibramists on a daily basis, darting on and off the sidewalks, running us down when we cross the street, and general menacing us with their machines and demonstrating an absolute lack of empathy. Bicyclists get on that seat and put their foot on their idiot bars (pedals) and just start thrashing at us. I can't count the number of times I have been spoked or ended up with a face full of handlebars.

Oh, I "darted out of an alley"? I "zigged when I should have zagged"? Is that what you think, Mr. Cyclist who is traveling five times as fast as me and sitting on his butt? Guess what, I am the pedestrian and I deserve your respect. I have seen statistics about the number of innocent, law-abiding Vibramists that have their lives brutally cut short by aggressive cyclists every year. It's insane. I would link them but I can't remember the URL right now.

You should be thanking me. Most bicycle parts are manufactured in China. The Vibram is manufactured in Indonesia and it is packaged in Mexico. That's almost locally sourced and I am a strict locavore. That's not even counting all the fuel wasted transporting your bike around the world. My Vibrams weigh less than two pounds. They're so light I forget I am wearing anything on my feet.

Even celebrities love to run barefoot. Would you spoke Channing Tatum? Instead of thanks I get ticketed for jaywalking because I was avoiding bicyclists hogging the street. The whole system is biased against Vibrams. How many Vibram lanes are there in this city? Maybe two or three miles worth. Totally useless, especially because cyclists just assume they are bike lanes anyway and start riding in those. You can jump the curb whenever you want and weave your way through traffic, but if we do that we risk having our limbs torn off by a madman on a bicycle.

God help us if we actually get in your way for even a second or check our GPS location on our running app. If we do something like that our lives are really in danger. We wouldn't want you to have to slow down or even stop or something. Just scream at us and flip us off and maybe run over our super-sensitive feet in our almost-nonexistent shoes.

The end result of this systematic oppression of all Vibramists is that you have runners cutting through stores, alleyways, homes and even running in the street. We can obey the laws and put our lives in the hands of cyclists who love to spoke us and run over our feet, or we can go where we please, when we please, and take our lives (and destiny) into our own hands (feet).

Just because you're a water-slurping, Cro-Magnon and your bike is a lot bigger than us and more dangerous and fast, doesn't mean you should hurt us, and just because it feels like we're barefoot, doesn't mean we should feel unsafe and naked. Run barefoot, run safe.

– K.C. Alvinwood (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful