Mad Phat Freestyle Word Up Down Homie

Lowtax is gone, I'm pressed for time, and I'm convinced nobody reads this site every day of the week. Let's face it: updating a site of this type every single day is just downright stupid. It's just sad. We don't do it because we get paid or anything, we do it because we have nothing better to do and need to receive emails saying something to the effect of "U R 2 KEWL D00D" to bolster our low senses of self-esteem. So I'm just going to post a bad Flash movie and randomly type out some garbage on a wigger-freestyle basis and call it an update, since Mr. Lowtax won't be able to yell at me. And nobody will read it. Here we go:The dew and April collided together on our faces and one of us knew we wouldn't last the night. Was that I? I didn't know. But I was sure about our apex. For my traveling companion the same could not be said unless I was the one saying it in his stead. I knew then that we'd end up alone.

Enraged mages have various stages of remorse. A horse is a horse, of course of course. But you're forced. To do whatever I tell you to do. Ya'llz just old Mother Hubbard and I'm the one livin' in the shoe, what to do. With all the wealth I've accumulated. Your thirst for blood and answering machines will never be sated. You masturbated, to a picture of a goat. Now I'm filling the moat with various oats and you're broke. Fool. I spent all your goddamn money. You think that's funny? Enjoy the taste of nuts and honey. Silly rabbit, you gots a coke habit, you try to resist, but ya just gots to have it. Trix are not just for kids. Porch loving babysitters often tell fibs. If you wear mittens while you bust up kittens, you wouldn't believe how many times you get bitten. By these, terrible monstrosities, I throw them away with a high velocity. Atrocity, if they step in my path. I drown nickels in the bubble bath. I'm where it's at. You need some chicken fat? I've got vats and vats now your kitten is a cat but in the hat. Dr. Seuss is on the loose.

Young hobbit dancing and prancing about. "I came to get the ring," he says, "Now get the fuck out." But the damn wizard ain't jiving the logic, so he busts out some shit he learned in the projects. "Yo yo check to the one two three," he be. "Punk ass hobbit want to step up to me? I'm counting backwards to one, now you better damn run, 'cause I'll +5 BlastYoAss, 'fore I am done." And the sun. Shined down upon the scene, upon acres of fields, filled with Vaseline. It was green. Or was this an optical illusion? There have been rumors of Mother Nature's collusion.

Bling bling platinum toaster serving me toast. I have females who are sexually open-minded, of this I often boast. Yet I still remain an individual comfortable among the slums. I can't write my own music, but I scream things loud and hum.

And now the time for adventure led into my throat such as one who enjoys a stiff drink in the early evening remembers its first adventure and first throat. Or at least a throat that they ate it from. Or in my case the second throat in which they saw. It wasn't my mother's since her's was cut. Or was it? This mystery has vexed me on many an occasion. This was why I was afraid of coats with zippers. What if I zipped the zipper up too far of the location to be zipped? It would zip and then nip my Adam's apple. And blood would squirt out at high speed and what to do? What to do about throat. Well not much I'll tell you this much and much more. Because applying pressure to the wound wouldn't help since it would just blow the stream of blood out the back of my neck. And then if I covered the reflected stream of blood out the back of my neck it would just reflect back again and go out through the front hole I originally tried to cover. It's a vicious circle and I am often cold because I only wear this fleece jacket with a broken jacket. My throat is always cold but I bet my mother's is colder because she is dead. Unless she is buried in one of those hot cemeteries. Like Florida. Someone asked me why I wasn't leading the adventure so I choked his throat until they died.

While the east end of the peninsula seemed to be the perfect place to live, I had been wrong before. What looked to be a comment made in jest was merely a vest. And I've already told you about how I hate jackets. I stared at it for a while before determining I was at rest, and that's the best kind of thought you can have.

If I had fifteen people for every seventeen I've ever put onto the top of a bush I'd have eighteen people less than the amount I currently have. I trained them hard but not very well. I put the box on top of the jar but next to the troll because the TROLL MUST SUPERVISE THE PROCEEDINGS and also collect the proceeds. But they put the box on top of the jar but on top of the troll or the jar next to the box that simply won't do. I have had other people look at the growth but they all agree that any semblance of rational thought must be referred back to my original stock broker but he gave me a bum rap. I had a rapper with a bum knee so I'm OK with this, but don't you at least think I should have a compensation package for any kind of package I didn't deliver? I don't know maybe people don't believe in customers anymore. Or fairies.

I thought I had a fortune cookie but others said it wasn't so. Was this misfortune, or did I miss having fortune? All was made clear when the head was cracked open.

"Snap to it!" he gleamed from his chair. "I have orders to save the world." The man in the wool said nothing. He said "I have orders to not." This stunner changed so Abraham jumped in. "Have you not another issue of here." He said. He said something else too but I couldn't hear this. "You are trying to write this all down," the wool man said, but he didn't really ask the question and I was feeling very cold. So he zipped up my zipper and pierced my throat that is why I wasn't able to finish my journal. But somebody ate a snow globe and I admire him or her for his or her gumption. The substandard quad-apologetic bridge commander found himself highly allergic to the freshly ground fine cherries. The powder combination compelled him to draw nearer, but his nose found other methods of distaste for the foul cancer killing detailed further on.

"Ding" said the platinum toaster. The toast was quite done. Everyone was in the mood for fun. I have something of interest of apple type size I have corners and wardrobes with dice designs. I had paid taxes but for some reason I needed to pay more. They should have known better to walk through without any way to verify who I was or who they were or who the guy in the wool was. So I went up to the person living into the shoe and he took all my money. A rabbit hit me up for a coke fix but I enjoyed the sweet scent floating kitten corpses and forgot all my problems.

At least for a little while.


That was easy, quickest update I've ever written!

Set Sail for Shit!

When you're up at four in the morning because you can't sleep and can't stop thinking about how bad a particular movie sucked, it's probably not a good idea to load up Flash and start working on an "improved" version. I learned this lesson the hard way. Plus, I had the utter gall and lack of shame to post the results on the Internet! I present to you the embarrassment that is:

After watching this, you'll understand why I'm writing for a web site and not penning quality mainstream entertainment such as episodes "Sister, Sister." What you won't be able to comprehend is why I'm not locked up in some kind of institution. Only the good die young, so here I am! Now that I've hyped up how great it is, I'm sure you'll want to go watch it!

– Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful