The Sex, Death, and Travel Trilogy, submitted by Blackie. Former male stripper, Morgan D. Rosenberg, declares himself sexual adonis of the 21st century, writes page after page of rants about how all the women he's slept with are stupid whores who can't satisfy the cravings of his gargantuan penis. By studying Nelly lyrics and filling in the gaps with a partially intact pamphlet I found on acquaintance rape, I think I finally understand what sex is. I clicked on this site expecting sensational tales of sex on the hoods of cars in the pouring rain. Instead I got a bunch of crap like this:

Before moving onto either the new sections or reading the last update (below), let me address two items of business. First, I was recently blown off by a woman named Karen Doyle. I know, I was surprised too ... this is ME we're talking about, after all. I, of course, don't condone my minions ... um, I mean "fans" ... committing acts of revenge in my name ... but if you do, I want to hear all about it. Her home address is:

TRANSLATION: BOO HOO GIRLS ARE TOTALLY MEAN AND STUFF! Pretty much all of the site is like this. It's almost emo in its whinyness.

My beloved Katt. Our marriage lasted a grand total of 6 weeks because we are, essentially, the same person. And when you hate yourself, you shouldn’t marry someone just like you. It’s a shame she had to die …

Oh, so you've killed some people, Morgan? Am I supposed to be impressed? You're nothing compared to me. You know why? Because I control the weather. That's right, bitch, all weather must attend to my every whim. Are you scared? You should be.

– Jedidiah (@notoriousamoeba)

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.