When dealing with an Awful Link, one of the worst phrases to encounter (excepting "new world order" and anything involving "furotica") is "this site has thousands of pages." You could spend an eternal hell browsing Opossum Sally's links, and even if you survived the initial marathon, there's always the constant threat that she might be updating. Most of the material in Sally's Crap Compendium originated elsewhere long ago ("Timely Tips from 2000!"), so while noting the site contains hundreds of moldy computer jokes (take that, AOL and Paint Shop Pro!) and a soul-crushing array of "funny pictures" with names like "giant babies" and "monkey playing guitar," I'll stick with her original content.
While her tributes to Bronson Pinchot and Murder She Wrote are quite stirring, Sally's poems are the main attraction:
MOLLY IS MY FAVORITE COW
BUT I DARE NOT TELL HER SO
BECAUSE SHE WOULD BE INSULTED
SHE THINKS SHE'S HUMAN YOU KNOW
HER EYES ARE DARK BROWN
WHICH MATCHES HER COAT
SHE LOVES TO SING
AND FROM HER I QUOTE
SHE CAN'T CARRY A TUNE
I CERTAINLY HOPE
SHE'LL STOP PRETTY SOON
BUT I LOVE MY DEAR MOLLY
AND SHE IS MY PAL
SHE REALLY IS A WONDERFUL COW
OOPS I MEAN GAL
There was a young lady from Beggs,
Who they say was born with four legs,
But no one asked how,
For she was a cow,
And cows are born with four legs in Beggs.
Over the last few weeks an outnumbered but brave group of men calmly used facts and logic to conclusively prove that women are ruining video games with their lustful object bodies. But there are other threats to everything gamers hold dear.
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.