Submitted by Katie Newman
This video is bad. Insanely bad. Mind-numbingly, life-ruiningly bad.
In fact, I'll go on record as saying that this is the first time I've literally been unable to cope with a video. I've watched it exactly once and try as I might, I just can't watch it again. I've tried; Lord knows, I've tried but within 10 seconds of hitting the play button, I just curl into a fetal position and cry and cry and shit myself and cry until I pass out. Realtalk: the first and only time I watched it, when the dog starts playing the piano, I seriously laid my head down on my desk and just yelled WHY several times. It physically PAINS me. I am just completely overcome with a deep-seated feeling of shame and anger for watching it.
I know I like to joke around and say videos are absolutely terrible and make me want to kill myself and stuff and sometimes the "joke" is me overreacting about a video that isn't THAT bad. Maybe it was just dumb. Or unfunny. But folks, I swear to God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, Buddha and Darth Vader that this is the single worst video I have ever, EVER seen in my entire life. The day after I first watched this video, I came down with a cold. This video seriously managed to compromise my immune system. For the love of Christ and all that is good and righteous in this world I don't know how it did it, but it did.
I can't fathom how a video this obscenely bad came to be, and frankly, I don't think I want to know. I can only speculate that someone working for NASA back in the 1960's wrote a computer program to calculate what the worst possible video that could ever exist would look like and then he got transferred to another department and forgot that he left the computer running the program and then 45 years later the computer finally completed it's task and this was the incredibly unfortunate result: a video that was meant to be watched by autistic children - A Clockwork Orange-style - in an attempt to teach them how to feel despair. I cling to this hope like a retarded child clings to a dinosaur-shaped flotation device at a public pool. I simply refuse to accept that this video was actually the product of real people.
"This video was great. Very creative, funny, girl looked great in her bathingÿ suit, guy looks hot, and the dog is adorable. Harley motorcycle people, dog lovers, people with a fun sense of humor will like this humor. Those who do not like this video there doctors and institutions for those kind of people."
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Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!