Submitted by Paul Rice
It's almost as if she's saying she has hers, so we should... go fuck ourselves?!
Oh, rich white girl. Oh stupid, stupid, beautiful, stupid rich white girl. Your loathsome, self-serving political views only amplify your beauty. You are like a fine statue who, though sculpted by the loving hand of a master artist, is composed of shit rather than clay. You are da Vinci's Mona Lisa with a visible cold sore. You are Monet's famous "Water Lilies" with a used condom floating on the surface. You are the lost chapter from Dante's Inferno where Dante has to take leave of his soujourn through heaven and hell because the Taco Bell he had last night gave him wicked diarrhea. Your ignorance complements your dining room far more perfectly than your 5000 dollar bureau or your solid Brazillian rosewood table and chair set ever could.
Let's run away together stupid, beautiful, stupid rich white girl. Let's run until our legs can carry us no further, and we then collapse into the grass as a cool breeze kisses our skin. I can run my fingers through your shitty blonde dye job while you seductively whisper sweet nothings about supply-side economics in my ear. We'd then make sweet, sweet, stupid white love. Perhaps you'd even let me do anal, since it's obvious you think your shit doesn't stink. We can even do a little roleplaying, if you're up for it. I'll be John Galt and you can be a poor person and I will fuck you in the ass stupid, white, rich girl; I will fuck you in the ass literally and metaphorically. Later, when my semi-flacid penis brings you to orgasm, just remember: I don't mind if you scream his name rather than mine. In fact, it would only deepen my own pleasure to hear you moan:
"Oh, Dr. Paul. I never dreamed it could be this good."
Nor did I, stupid, rich, white, stupid rich girl. Nor did I.
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!