Submit an Awful Video!

What kind of Libertarian are you?

Submitted by Katherine

Answer these questions, check your score and find out!

You are driving down the road, minding your own business, when you are pulled over by a police officer. Unfortunately, you also have a small bag of weed in your pocket. The officer approaches and signals for you to roll down your window. You...

  1. ...comply with the officer and try to remain calm and friendly, not wanting to make a potentially bad situation worse. Apparently, your rear tail light is out and the officer warns you to get it replaced. You thank the officer and both go on your way. (1 point)
  2. ...cooly and curtly comply with the officer, continually heaving sighs and rolling your eyes while he tells you about your tail light. The officer notices, and as thanks for ruining his otherwise good evening, he also informs you that he clocked you going 10 miles over the speed limit a few miles back and gives you a ticket. (2 points)
  3. ...refuse to roll down your window when the officer signals for you to, refuse to give him your license, registration or insurance information, refuse to give him your name, refuse to state what your business is this evening, and refuse to tell him where you live. When the officer asks you to step out of the car, you reach over to grab your camcorder to insure that the officer doesn't violate your human rights. Unfortunately, the officer thinks you might be going for a gun, pulls you out of the car and tazers the shit out of you. While convulsing, the bag of weed falls out of your pocket. The officer books you for speeding, resisting arrest and possession with intent to distribute. You got to jail where you are raped until you die. (3 points)
You are in a local eating establish, behind a lady and her young child. The lady places her order and realizes that she left her purse in the restroom. She excuses herself to grab her purse, and is gone for approximately 5 seconds. When she returns...
  1. ...you let her back into her place, since she already placed her order. She thanks you and you smile in return. (1 point)
  2. ...roll your eyes as she returns, but let her back into line. You audibly tap your foot and hum tunelessly as she finishes her order and as she takes her food and leaves the line to sit down, you stop her and inform her how incredibly rude it was to just assume people would let her back in line and how lucky she was that you weren't in a hurry. She calls you a jerk. (2 points)
  3. ...refuse to let her back in line, refuse to respond when she says "excuse me" and start loudly placing your order, raising your voice to drown her out. When the guy taking your order says "c'mon buddy, let the lady back in line. I already have her order placed", you whip out your camcorder, shove it in his face and start screaming at him to "violate my human rights one more time, motherfucker. I've got it allllllllllllll on camera, you fucking pig". The manager overhears your outburst, informs you that this is a family establishment and asks you to leave. You pivot your body to shove the camcorder in his face and in doing so, knock the lady's kid over. An off-duty policeman grabs you and escorts you out of the building, to the applause of everyone else in the establishment. You are charged with harassment, assault, causing a disturbance and are banned from the reseraunt chain for life. (3 points)
During a bout of web surfing, you discover the "Free-Staters"; a bunch of libertarians that are all planning on moving to New Hampshire and are hoping to "take over" the state by using their vast numbers to elect libertarians to state office. Your immediate thought is...
  1. ..."LOL". (1 point)
  2. ..."Eh, more power to 'em, I guess. They aren't hurting anyone." (2 points)
  3. ..."Fuck. YES. Finally, Libertopia is at hand! Oh, my dear, beautiful Ayn Rand... finally, your dream of a state founded upon the principles of Objectivism can come to fruition. Now! Off to Amazon.com to order survival supplies! *cleans out bank account buying a katana, a used copy of The Fountainhead and 35 dollars worth of Pocky* (3 points)
The ideal economic system is...
  • ...pure Socialism. (1 point)
  • ...a mixed, capitalist economy that provides opportunity for personal wealth but also a welfare safety net for the less fortunate. (2 points)
  • ...pure, brutal, dog-eat-dog capitalism where the strong crush the weak and your skills with the McDonalds deep frier will come in handy as you scratch and claw your way to the top of the ruthless corporate hierarchy. (3 points)
Complete this sentence: "Civil rights and liberties...
  • ...are incredibly important but come with responsibility. You shouldn't be able to yell 'fire' in a crowded theater, and maybe unrestricted access to assault weaponry isn't the best idea." (1 point)
  • ...are fundamental, absolute and inalienable so long as you don't break any laws in the process of exercising them." (2 points)
  • ...oh, you mean those things I supposedly champion, but routinely deny other people as long as I can get away with it? Heh. Notice how my camera conveniently doesn't record my alleged "harassment". If I didn't film that shit, you must acquit. Snitches get stitches. Fuck the police." (3 points)
Alright class! Pencils down! Ready to find out how you did? Add up all your points and use the scale below to see how close to the Libertarian ideal you are!

5-10 points: Heh. Read Atlas Shrugged and get back to me, noob.

11-16 points: You call yourself a libertarian? I bet you don't even have self-diagnosed Asperger's!

17-21 points: Your part-time job at Subway has given you a keen appreciation for capitalism, but there's still room for improvement!

:22-25 points Congratulations! You're a complete shit head and I hope you die!

More AwfulVision

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.