EXT – ANAKIN’S HOUSE – DAY
OBIE WAN’s Jedi starship makes a graceful landing on the front porch. Obie Wan hops
out and runs up to the door and bangs on it like he means business, which he does.
THREEPIO answers the door.
Once again, Obie Wan, I am glad to see you, but
I doubt that Master Vader will share my pleasure.
Please do not call him by that name. It is a foul
and corrupted name and all of us guys are trying
to get him to stop it.
Very well, but I shall still call him that to his
face, because he kicked me out of bed last time.
This is disturbing in many ways, my friend. I must
impose upon you to summon your master at once. Tell
him it’s Jar Jar Binks.
I will do it.
Obie Wan folds his arms and paces, mouthing practice sentences; he is rehearsing
for to see his apprentice once more. Anakin bursts through the door, happier than
he has been in some time.
Jar Jar, what an unexp...
Anakin stops in his tracks.
The unmitigated nerve of you, Obie Wan. To come here,
after you have stolen Chappie away from me so cruelly.
His name is not Chappie, it is Luke. He will not take
on a cursed name, as you are determined to do. He is
an innocent child.
Whatever you call him, it takes all of my restraint not
to strike you down. And to drag poor Jar Jar into this...
Jar Jar is not actually here.
You are a liar and a kidnapper and a traitor. I am
ashamed to have once called you master. Where is Jar
As I told you, he is not actually here, I would
imagine he is back at the Senate... but this is not
Relevant, Anakin. You must come back with me and be
cleansed in the Yoda Pool.
Silence! I need no cleansing. Besides, the Yoda Pool
is merely a myth... there is no magical cure for the
anger in my blood.
I will take you by force if I have to, but I didn’t
want to at all because I like you and we’re supposed
to be friends.
Obie Wan reaches to his belt to grab his lightsaber, but a haymaker from Anakin
lays him flat! Anakin jumps into Obie Wan’s starship and lifts off into the sky.
Obie Wan springs up and tries to jump for the ship, but he falls short.
That was terrible.
Threepio emerges from the house.
What is this commotion, sir? Where is Master Skywalker?
I beat him up and then he left.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.