The first time I ever hooked up with a guy I really didn't know what to do. First of all, at that point I hadn't started shaving my pubes yet so it was a forest down there, a dense one at that, and he kept trying to finger me. I was incredibly embarrassed and uncomfortable. Then he whipped out his dick and put it in my hand but I had braces so I didn't want to blow him because I had never done it before and I didn't want to accidentally hurt him so I just kind of gave him a handie while he kept hitting my cheek with his dick and getting precum all over my face. When he finally came, after what seemed like an eternity, he came all over my chest and seeing as how I'd never seen that before I was amazed by how much there was so I said, "Oh my God, there's so much! Here, feel!" And grabbed his hand and put it on his cum. He just looked at me like 'what the fuck are you doing?' and went to wash his hands.
I've had multiple girls try to coyly put their digits where they don't belong, but I have a bit of a weird tic about how I let them know. The second I start to feel them going a little too far south, I tend to go as stiff as a board and just yell out "NOT IN THIS HOUSE!" Boy, do they get surprised.
The group of friends I used to hang out with was the kind where everyone was having sex with everyone else. I was attracted to one of these friends and we flirted constantly. All of the girls I knew in that group had had sex with him and told me what a huge dick he had and how great of a lay he was. So one night we are hanging out at my place with the express purpose of watching porn (pirates), drinking vodka, and fucking.
We get totally trashed and start making out. Clothes start coming off, everything is good. I'm even ok with the fact that his penis is nowhere near as gargantuan as I've been told (seriously, these ladies must have only seen tiny penises before because he was maybe average). Anyways, the sex isn't really mind-blowing, but it's good enough that we are both enjoying ourselves.
And then he asks me to play with his nipples.
Normally this isn't a problem for me. I understand wanting extra stimulation and playing around a bit during sex to make it better. The problem comes when he starts gasping from the pleasure of it, and when I need to switch positions a bit, he takes his hand and splays it across his chest with his thumb and his pinkie pressed to them. He throws his head back and starts convulsing.
So now here I am, looking up at my friend with his head thrown back, and all I can see are the nose hairs in his unusually large nose, and the giant mole on his lip, attached to the mouth that is opening and closing like a fish gasping for air, with his hand spread wide across his chest while he erratically pounds his disappointingly average-sized penis into my quickly drying vagina.
The worst part? He's so drunk that despite this convulsing and sputtering, he can't actually come. And I'm drunk enough that I just want to get off already. So we move it off the couch and onto the bed. We switch positions so that I don't have to watch him (he keeps his hand on his chest the whole time). A few minutes into doggy style, I realize that I am just no longer into it, and I'm really just not going to come, but it's not so unpleasant that I can't let him finish. So I grab my vibrator from under the pillow to try and help myself out a bit. I start feeling good and lethargic between the vibrator and the rhythmic thrusting I'm starting to get there then....
I promptly fall asleep.
I woke up when he rolled off of me after having finally finished. Luckily he was drunk enough that he hadn't noticed I wasn't actually awake for the end of it. And I don't think I was out for very long.
I was lying on my back and she stood up, went to step over me and kicked my still-erect penis. I swear to god it actually went PWYONGONGONGONG.
TECHNICALLY A DOG - I have expertly subdivided a horse to create what is, scientifically speaking, a dog. I have done this 10 times before and plan to keep doing it forever!!! $400. 555-2466
Step One: Salvage a ridiculous chair from a race car or a fighter jet. Now it will support your ridiculous body as you play a virtual card game.
The water got bigger? my sand castle was destroyed and we had to move. Who did this?
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.