I remember this incredibly well, as it is probably the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
I had a room in the basement throughout most of high school, and a girlfriend of mine was over, fairly late, I would say about midnight. That was commonplace, both of our parents were okay with it. Well, after we both decided that my parents were asleep, we decided to mess around a little, the walls are thick and there was no chance of anyone hearing anything upstairs. Well, things escalated and one thing led to another. About 15 minutes into it, the light comes on and my dad stands at the top of the steps.
Dad: "Have you seen the kitty?" Me: "No Dad, she's not down here"
I'm frozen, on top of this girl, trying to discreetly persuade my dad not to come down the steps.
Dad: "Kitty?" *comes down the steps*
Here, I think to myself, I'm simply fucked.
So, my dad comes down the steps and sees us there, which is not the worst part. He STAYS down there for what had to have been 5 minutes looking for the damn cat, IN MY ROOM. He walks over, checks under my bed, looks under the desk, and checks the closet. During this entire time, I'm still in bed, disrobed with this girl, as my father searches my room for our cat.
Dad: "She's probably outside somewhere"
I couldn't even reply. He never said anything to me the next day, I received no recourse, and it was the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
Me and my family were vacationing out at some lake, and my father and I were showering in the public showers. I was in the stall next to his. Anyway I decided to jerk off since I had no chance to do it elsewhere. So I'm sitting there fappin away, but I can't really cum cause I couldn't keep my mind on things.
My dad finishes his shower and he's sitting there waiting for me to come out, and I'm standing there waiting for my jizz to come out. I guess it was taking longer than I thought because he said "You dead?" And I say without missing a beat "Almost." There was a brief silence, and I just gave up because at that point I had not only killed the mood for me, I had unwittingly let my dad know I was masturbating not 3 feet away from him. The walk back to our RV was pretty awkward.
The year was 1998, my dad had just learned how to partially use a computer and surf the web, and apparently, like any other red-blooded American male, and he decided to use this newfound technology to search for as many porno websites as possible.
I know this, because I found out the hard way.
Daddy-o was having a problem getting a motorcycle listing website to work, so he called my (at the time) fatass up the stairs and demanded I fix the "goddamned piece of crap" for him. (turns out that all he couldn't figure out was that in order to get to the next page, he had to hit the HUGE GO button at the bottom of the page) I did it for him, and moved the mouse out of the way of his view of the site, accidentally pressing on the left mouse button and clicking on the taskbar. I had positioned the pointer directly over a bar titled, "BIG BIG BIG".
The page popped up and immediately assaulted my young, virgin eyes with huge images of mostly blond women, covered in oils, rubbing each other and grabbing each other's breasteses. And to top it off, the title of the page seemed to be referring to the size of their breasts. I've seen smaller bombshells in the firing bays of a submarine. These things were ungodly.
First thing my dad does is wave his hands around, as if swatting a torrent of imaginary locusts away from his bald head. Then, he shouts, "oh HOLY FUCKK!" and proceeds to fall back in his chair whilst grabbing for the mouse. He hit the floor like a sack of something filled with a ton of shit that's really heavy, and the sound shook the house.
Of course, being as the sound wasn't exactly subtle, my mother happened to hear it and pounded her way up the stairs. "WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN ON!?" she shouted as she lumbered towards the room like an elephant chasing after whatever the hell elephants eat when they're really hungry.
I didn't know what to do, my dad was on the floor shouting obscenities, and scrabbling around, trying to get a hold of something so he could pull himself up, and my mother was approaching from the right flank, ready to give out punishment to whoever was messing up her house.
I had a plan.
I sashayed over towards the monitor, and proceeded to close every single window that was open, (at least two other's were porn, also) then, I opened a new window, and set it to AOL's homepage. (Which was our provider at the time)
I had finished helping my dad up just as my mother walked into the room. She asked, breathlessly, what we were doing up here, and I explained that I had been just messing around with my Dad, and accidentally knocked him over, no big deal. She said, "Whatever, just don't do it again..." and left.
I looked over at my dad and said, "I don't ask you anything about that, or anything related to that, and you don't ask me anything about that, or anything related to that, okay?" He nodded and said, "So you won't tell her, will you?", and I responded, "I won't just as long as you never tell her anything about what I’ve been doing." We shook on it, and that was that.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.