Ever since I grew a chest (5th grade) my dad forbade me to play outside anymore with my brother Dickhead or the neighborhood kids. He thought that I'd be "asking for it" and they'd grab my chest. Once Dickhead put two and two together, he asserted his dominance by ALWAYS inviting people to play in the yard and taunting me about having to go inside. Once my period started I was suddenly a whore and bitch. Dad acted like I had betrayed him somehow, he was angry.
By High School I was not allowed to be around any boys whatsoever. This sucked because growing up with all older brothers and an all-boy neighborhood I was a hell of a tomboy. I'd talk to them at school, but any outside contact was forbidden. If I got a ride from one of my female friends and there was a boy in the car, he'd have to lie on the floor so nobody would see him from the house. For a while my dad tried to stop me from going over to my female friend’s house.. one of them had a boyfriend and my dad was convinced it was just a cover story. He thought it was MY boyfriend and I was sneaking over to see him because I was a whore. He'd routinely drive past my friend’s house and look for signs of boys even if I wasn't visiting them at the time! (my friends would tell me they saw him circling the block multiple times). Dad would tell me that I was causing marriage problems between mom and him by having so many boyfriends and they were going to get a divorce if I didn’t stay home.
The worst part of this? Dickhead and I wore the same type of shirts then, mostly t-shirts and football jerseys. Mom would frequently get out clothes mixed up during laundry and we'd end up with each other's clothes. It was common for us to go through each other's clothes drawers looking for our own shirts. Well, one day I was looking for my shirt and I found something in his drawer. Condoms. Not just a few, but I counted 30 boxes of 3-packs. I laughed and asked my shy non-dating Dickhead brother what the hell he needed ANY condoms for? He got really embarrassed and said that dad gave them to him. He said he was given about twice as many, but he would hand them out to his friends or make balloons out of them to play with.
WTF?? Double standard! I was angry. Fuming! I'd been a confined to the house for being an imaginary "whore" while my brother was given the "go-get-em" speech. And neither of us were having sex! Argh!
My ex and I were staying at my folk’s house while our house was being worked on. It was our first Valentine's together since we'd gotten married. I told my dad if he wanted grandkids maybe he could give us some privacy. My parents left immediately. Hours later, after going at it for a good long while, my ex wakes me with oral and we go at it again. Screaming, headboard smashing into the wall, against the wall, very loud sex. I go to the bathroom and get cleaned up, telling my ex how very good that was, then head out to the kitchen for something to drink. And see my mom glaring at the TV and my dad trying his best not to laugh.
I froze, turned bright red. Then my dad started laughing and gave me a thumbs up. My mom went into her room and stayed there for a while.
I was 17 and a friend of mine from London invited me to her prom and to stay with her for a week. We knew each other well enough, but I had only seen her in person for about a week in the past year. Certainly not enough to be in a serious relationship. Anyway, her father is a doctor for the US Navy, and he sees all sorts of sailors coming back with nasty STD's and shit, so he's pretty forward about protection. As the two of us were about to leave for the prom, her dad, who I had only met about a day before, pulled me aside and handed me five condoms and said to me in what seemed like a deadly serious voice, "you can fuck her all night, just use these. I don't know what kind of shit you Italian guys have." He then slapped me on the back, laughed heartily and downed his glass of scotch.
Shortly after this event, I returned home and started dating a girl in my high school whom I had been friends with for years. Her dad is a retired Marine Lt Colonel and is the most intimidating man I've ever seen. He's a few inches shorter than me, but he stands up rigidly straight and talks in a James Earl Jones voice. He's a nice enough guy, but at the time I didn't really know him and he genuinely scared me. At one point, her parents went out of town for the weekend, so my girlfriend invited me to her house for the time. Now, they weren't supposed to get back until that Sunday and this was Saturday night. We're going at it and we hear a door opening, or what sounded like one. We're on the couch, mind you, so we freeze and wait for more noise. Nothing for like a minute. We figure it was just the dog, so we continue, with a little more effort this time. No more than 10 seconds later, the door to the living room opens up and her dad walks in and sees both of us ass naked with my dick in her. I just froze, unable to do anything except instantly get limp. She jumps up, slams the door in her dads face and says to me "well, we can finish this later." I just stare at her, wondering how the fuck she can be so calm. Apparently, she caught her parents screwing in the living room once and she made a deal with them stating that if that ever happened with her nothing would be said. Nothing was said. I told her I had to leave. So she came with me without saying a single word to her parents. Strange family.
You ask how his day went and he responds, "Fine." Or, you ask what he's up to and he says, "Nothing."
Rock legend David Bowie has changed his identity with almost every album. Can you remember all these classic Bowie characters?
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.