When I was 17, I visited my girlfriend and her folks in long beach. They had a houseboat that we stayed on for a week or so. In order to do laundry, you had to go up to a room nearby the docks. Well, this was the only place that my girlfriend and I could get any privacy, and seeing as how I hadn't seen her for three weeks (and I promised her that I wouldn't jerk off during that time- haha I did though hahaha owned) I was pretty horny.
She gave me that naughty look that boys love to get from girls but see oh so rarely. She took me inside the laundry room under the pretext of "playing cards". We laid the cards out on the counter, and she pushed me back against the door and did that sexy-as-hell slide her hands down my chest thing, and then got on her knees, where she proceeded to fellate me expertly. Being a 17 year old, it didn't take me long to blow.
Of course, at the exact moment I lost all control and capacity for rational thought, her dad attempts to open the door. My knees still pretty weak, I moved a little and the door opened an inch or two. Not much, but still enough for HER FUCKING DAD TO SEE HIS LITTLE GIRL BLOWING ME. He barged in after I had shoved myself (very hastily and painfully) back in my pants. I had about three or four more very awkward days to spend with them. Not fun.
Somebody set me up on a blind date. I call the girl up, she tells me to pick her up at her house. I called her up on my cell when I got there, and she walks out of there with her hambeast mother. Mother looks me over, asks me who I am, where I live, what I do for a living, then takes out a small notepad and writes down my car make model and year off the inspection sticker and my license plate.
I told the girl we were going to this one place I knew, but she says she'd rather go to this really great restaurant a few blocks away. All right, fine. We get there, get a table, and a few minutes later her mother comes in and gets a table right across from us.
Thank God I had my usual blind date routine going, my buddy called me up, I pretended I had an emergency, said "well since your mom is here she can probably take you home" and high-tailed the hell out of there.
I saw this girl a few times at this place where I sometimes got lunch, we kind of exchanged looks, whatever. So one time she was standing next to me in line there, we started talking and decided to meet up for dinner after work that day. She's a nice girl, one thing leads to another, we discover we live in the same neighborhood, and we get on the subway together with the pretense that we'll go to my house, get my car, and I'll drive her to her house.
When we get into the subway car and sit down she suddenly gets this strange look in her eyes. A big guy comes up to us and looks me over in a certain way that I can tell he's a cop. He turns out to be her father, a retired NYPD captain. He sits down right next to us, and gives me the silent treatment for a few minutes as I attempt to strike up a conversation. He eventually kind of warmed up to me after we found some common interests, but it was still very awkward. He got off at the same stop as us, which he knew wasn't her daughter's stop, and man, the look he gave me made me fear for my life.
In any case, we did get my car, I drove her to her place and boned her. I go back home, and saw two police cruisers parked by the garage where I park my car (a big public garage which closes at 8 pm, but I got a monthly thing and my own key). Lights flashing and everything. I pull in, get out to open the door, and the cops jump out and one of them says "good, just the man we're looking for". I just about shat my pants right there, imagining her ex-cop father had something to do with it, and now I'm going to pay some cruel and unusual penalty for boning his precious baby girl.
It turned out they were just looking for some suspect who they thought might be hiding in the garage, and they needed someone to open the door. I told them about the boning of the ex police captain's daughter and we had a good laugh about it.
Master is troll wizard, so's if he get angry he might cast spell up on my self and bite off my whole head in one chomp.
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Kirk Cameron destroys the internet with his rage and jacks it to boats, hallelujah!
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.