The first time I met my ex's mom she showed me her genital piercing.
I was in the kitchen asking if I can help with dinner and somehow the topic got on piercing and she asked me if I had any, other than my ears.
"OH!? You really should! They're wonderful! I got mine recently...would you like to see?"
Before I could say no, up goes the skirt.
"Oh sweet god!?"
She starts laughing and continues making dinner like nothing happened. Then she asked me if he and I had sex yet. Again, I'm kinda choking out words to change the topic and she said:
"Honey, I've seen it. It's pretty big. Remember if he's not making you come! Make sure he finishes you off other ways."
I just walked into the living room, sat down next to my boyfriend and said nothing until the car ride home. When I told him what was wrong, he couldn't stop laughing.
"mum's like that. She's a bit crazy"
Was all he had to say...the image haunts me.
Once, my gf's family went away to go see a movie. We didn't waste the time. It was particularly good, and by the time we were done, we were both pretty sated. A lot of dirty talking, a bit of screaming, and we'd managed to push the bed halfway across the room. I go downstairs shirtless in a pair of long shorts to get some orange juice. Her dad is sitting at the table reading a newspaper. I have no idea how long he was there, but his vehicle wasn't there when we started, and was when I went out to look after we finished. What he heard, I'm not sure. He didn't even look at me when I came down.
Next time, it was 1:30 at night on a Monday night. We decided it'd be a good time to get naked, and on the floor of my room had really sweet, intimate, slow sex. The kind that lasts a good long time, lots of eye contact, sweet kisses, etc. I start to get tired, and work towards an orgasm. As I start to get to the foothills that lead to the plateau that lead to my mangravy, there's a LOUD knock on the door (more like somebody punching it) and her dad going "HAY RD'S GF GET OUT HERE NOW PLZ"
We were being pretty quiet this time, that fucker must've had his ear right to the keyhole to have heard us.
The worst part of the second experience was the hour long conversation I got to have with her dad and her (incredibly sweet and nice, and now crying) mother about how we'd betrayed them blah blah blah.
My dick no longer functions because of trauma.
One day my parents just felt like talking about birth control and then they ask me what type my girlfriend uses. I tell them about the pill she’s taking, mom gets out her bag of stuff, and gives us a bag of refills, and condoms,... the worst part was my dad pointing to which one he felt were good. then he made a joke about how its best without. Which is when my mom jabbed in him the ribs, giggling.
-- I haven’t spent a single night at their place since.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.