About 2 years ago, my now ex-girlfriend and I were having a pretty good time in my bedroom, on my bed. No penetration, but lots of foreplay and fingering, kissing and sucking. Well, we were having a good time, until my dad got home from work. Now, my dad and I have a pretty open relationship when it comes to girls. He doesn't care what I do as long as I'm wearing protection, so he usually gives me my privacy.
Anyways, he pulls up in his car, which, thanks to a possible mid-life crisis, is a sports car that he decided to fix up. We're talking headers on the engine, a beautiful exhaust, a kicking sound system, nice rims and a lowering kit. He's about 50 years old and you can hear is car coming from a ways away.
So my girlfriend and I are having a grand ole time when we hear the roar of his car. Thinking nothing of it, we keep at it, figuring he'll just go watch some TV and have some soda.
Nope. Turns out he just bought a brand new shifter head, and he's really excited about it.
"HEY ADAM! COME LOOK AT THIS! Adam? Where are you?" "Uhh... we're up here in my room, dad..."
He comes running up the stairs, opens my door and looks at me and my girlfriend. Since it was the middle of July, it was pretty hot outside, and consequently inside as well. You'd figure that he'd take one look at us and quickly run out, right? Nope. As we're fumbling for the sheets that fell between my bed and the wall, he walks over to me and puts the shifter head in my hand. I'm fucking pissed. It's a stupid, red ball with six chrome nuts through it. My mind was thinking "Gee... that's great, dad..." but the rest of my body was thinking "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!"
He's still looking at me like this is the greatest thing he's ever seen. I'm looking at him like he's a fucking retard.
Then I notice that this shifter head has a fair bit of weight to it. So I did what I thought was the best plan at the time. I threw it at his head as hard as I could.
It hits him square in the forehead, drawing blood and stunning him. The shifter head lands at his feet and he bends over to pick it up and walks out. He and I still laugh about that whenever we're driving in his car.
Well, one time while I was dating this girl, call her Casandra, we decided to watch TV in her room. Making out and fingering commenced and I guess part way through her mom comes in. Now, as soon as that handle had turned my hand was OUT of those shorts, and since we were both fully clothed I started to do the only thing that made sense: tickle her. Her mom asks what's going on, and I say that I'm tickling her. I was never allowed in her room again.
Also, months after I broke up with Casandra, I started to date her sister (call her Linne). Now Linne was pretty tight, didn't want to do a whole lot. Have to keep in mind I'm not allowed in the house unless a parent is there and awake. I'm also not allowed in the basement. Anyways, we go inside when no one is home and start kissing and stuff. She moves my hand up her shirt and from there I undress her. So there I am, eating her out, she's totally naked and I have no shirt on, and her mom and 12 year old brother walk in. Strangely, I never got yelled at, but apparently she did when I left.
Another girl who I had become fuckbuddies with for a while (overweight, psychotic, sadomasochistic horny ex con Goth), invited me over to watch a movie. At her friends house. Now, her friend had to leave to 'meet' her boyfriend/some guy other than her boyfriend, so we were alone in her friend’s room. We start watching Don Juan DeMarco and we don't finish the movie. This is mostly because she started to finger herself and I can't let that happen. So I'm railing her doggy style on her best friend’s bed. Her head is BANGING against the wall with every damn thrust, and she likes it. She's also tugging on her nipple rings. Her best friend’s mom walks in, walks out, and that was pretty awkward. I finished and we talked some, drank some, then I left. I could never really chat with her best friend’s mom after that.
My ex and I were watching TV in his basement one night, and started going at it. One thing led to another, and we ended up fucking with me on top. We were really into it, and didn't hear his father coming down the stairs. He paused at the bottom of the steps, looked over at us and said "Nice rack," and went back up the stairs. My ex started laughing, and I must've turned 8 different shades of red. I was never able to look his dad in the eye again.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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