My mom walked in me eating out my girlfriend when I was 15. What made the situation worse is that I didn't hear my Mom open the door because my gf's legs were pressed against my ears enough to muffle it out. My gf just froze. She had no idea what to do. So I didn't know anything was amiss and continued for a few seconds before my mom finally turned on the light and stormed out.

What made this even worse was that this was in my parent's bedroom.


I'm dating this girl for several months, when we've had dinner with my folks, and are sitting around conversing, when we decide we'll go out for the evening to do something. We're discussing what we could do when my dad pipe's in from the kitchen "Hell, just take her to the submarine races." Which caused her to smile confusedly me to get red in the face and start laughing and my mother to yell at my dad. For those who haven't heard this before, it’s a euphemism for sex from my dad's day and age. ...of course I ended up choosing that route anyway.

After being married for awhile my wife and I had moved to Florida for a short time and after a failed go round at life there we moved back and had to stay with my folk's for a couple weeks until the apartment we rented became vacant. During which time we broke my parent's brand new multi-thousand dollar mound system by flushing condoms down the toilet. Try coming home to THAT speech.


I think I was maybe 11 or 12 when my dad called my brother and me downstairs to have a talk. He mentioned that he had seen the porn sites that I had visited by looking at the history and that if I wanted to learn about those kinds of things that was not the place to go. I of course blamed it on my brother. The same thing happened later, too, even though I learned to delete the history. He had looked at the cookies and found me out that way. I got the same speech again.

Another time, when we had the computer downstairs in a bedroom of its own, my dad was in there with the door closed. I barged in there to ask him something and saw a pic of a naked girl on the screen. He looked up and said "Hey uh..." and covered the screen with a piece of paper. I promptly walked out of there and never mentioned it again.

One time my dad gave me a speech about how sex can be fun, but also dangerous. That was kinda strange. The next day I went in to my room and found the book "What's Happening to Me" on my bed. It was a book about how masturbation was okay and all about puberty.

Also, my dad telling me that he was getting a divorce from my mom and telling me it was okay if I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore was fun. I had to deal with my mom crying and such after that. Happily, they reconciled, but not before my dad asking me if it was OK for him to spend the night at his own place. Ohh the memories


When I and my first (and still current) girlfriend started dating, she would come to my house and sleep with me almost every week. Our relationship wasn’t official, I loved her very much but she was afraid of commitment so we became some sort of fuck friends for a while. We never actually had sex before being a real couple since we were both virgins and she didn’t have feelings for me.

So this relationship started with me being rejected after unveiling my feelings to her. She was attracted to me physically but thought I was too sensitive or some shit. She was so afraid of hurting me that when she said that she couldn’t love me back she cried even more than me and she felt extremely guilty. We decided to see each other again and we continued dating as even closer friends(I admired her so much for her reaction and the respect she had for me)

Eventually we got closer physically, we would hold hands and cuddle up all the time until I asked her if I could kiss her. It was both our first kiss and it was wonderful, on that night, we slept together and made out without actually doing it, Oddly enough her hymen was pierced(she did horseback riding in her youth) so I could finger her which made her moan a bit too strongly for my tastes. She was a complete virgin, even to orgasms so it was pretty intense for her... You guys need to know that my house has a basement with a friend’s chamber that has a queen sized double bed. My parent’s chamber and my regular chamber are all upstairs and we need to go up get a towel if we want to take a shower and all. So here we were, in the same bed and half naked, my parents barely knew this girl and they didn’t know she came over to sleep. The girl said "Oh shit, I hope they didn’t hear us last night...I would be embarrassed if they heard us" and started crying. I was like "Um...Ill go first, don’t worry about it my parents are pretty open usually" Which was complete bullshit since my parents are like 55 year old farts with a non-existent sex life.

So I go upstairs alone, see my two parents that give me a "WTF" look. My mother said "You slept downstairs? Was it too hot in your chamber?" I said "No...Andrée-Anne came over and since it was getting pretty late I told her to stay" My mother said "oh" and my father didn’t say a thing. I got my towel and walked back into the kitchen and told my father "Nothing happened, just so you know..." And then my father said something that I will remember forever. "Frankly, I don’t care. You are old enough to know what you're doing. And from what I heard last night, you're pretty good at what you do"

I replied "Huh...thanks dad...." And my mother gave me a kinky smile...Was pretty fucked up looking back at it.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.