Oxyclean

People who work at Subway are called "Sandwich Artists". I work at Subway, and the day someone calls me a Sandwich Artist is the day I put ten pounds of mayo and ten pounds of hot peppers on their sub.

Fuck what you want asshole, I'm the artist here.


Touretter

At my office we don't have a receptionist, we have a Director Of First Impressions.


Stuntcock

My all-time favourite was hearing a corporate-wide restaurant job title change from 'dishwashers' to 'D.M.O.s,' that is, 'Dishwashing Machine Operators.' Why? Because "Dishwasher" is offensive.' No, it's not. Minimum wage though? Might be.


Ceros_X

If you're an army recruiter you don't have a 'quota' - you either 'made mission' that month or your ass is getting sent back to Korea. I guess having Fortune 500 trainers teach people how to recruit results in a little Buzzword Ruboff.


skipdogg

Don't forget buzzword job titles.

Recently I just saw a "Manager of Enterprise Data Management" I myself while being what most would call a sys admin (mid level IT guy) am titled "Information Technology Systems Engineer"

I'm not a damn engineer. I manage some Windows servers and desktops.


The Cubelodyte

Jesus, I fucking hate "mission statements". I was a kitchen manager in a restaurant chain that suddenly decided it needed a mission statement. A fucking restaurant. What a waste of time and money. My opinion is that no competently-led organization needs a mission statement.


Grand Fromage

"Non-starter."

God damn it this doesn't mean anything. Stop it.


a computer

The other day my boss said 'we need to kill people with our service. We literally need to kill them' and then he had a big smile on his face and he nudged a female coworker of mine.

I don't know if kill is a buzzword or not, but the point is that my boss is a mental case.


Spastic Moose

On a related note, I hate medical buzzwords too. You see it in those commercials for a magic muscle building pill or dick enlargement or weight loss. About how their product is clinically proven in major university double-blind clinical trials, and how the Obesity Research Institute (which is of course owned by the company who makes the pill), has found that 78% of weight lost was PURE BODY FAT, while the fine print tells you that participants lost only 4 pounds.


zVxTeflon

"Lets touch base"

No. Fuck you.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.