I work at a semiconductor manufacturer. We have a position at my workplace called "manufacturing specialist". When people first hear the term, they usually assume this is some kind of highly skilled job. In fact this means they pick up a box and place it on a load port for 12 hours a day, and this is done entirely by robots in newer fabs.
McDonalds had some pretty bad ones back when I worked there. I did a few head office meetings, and they had shit like "Shift Into Overdrive" which is when a head office guy comes and evaluates how well a manager can run a shift for an hour. They also urge us to "Go for the Wow!" with customers.
They also refer to Ronald McDonald as their "Chief Happiness Officer" and are trying to give him a celebrity status by having him do photo-ops and jet ski and shit in order to make him "a recognizable icon like Angelina Jolie", as one head office consultant told me.
Also, when browsing job ads, I found one for Boston Pizza, which said they were looking for individuals who can deliver "Wow" service and provide a "Show Time!" experience for their guests. What the fuck is that? Do they have to do the jazz hands every time they bring your food to your table?
"I'd like to leverage this document so that we don't suffer any black eyes."
Black eyes? Dude. It's an Excel spreadsheet. No one is going to beat us up.
That was the most realistic and gripping look at office life since Fight Club: The Video Game. Thanks to all of the forum goons for contributing, expect a big raise in your paycheck next month. You can look forward to another edition of the Comedy Goldmine in seven days from now, unless the internet burns down. But even in that scenario, we have a contingency plan involving carrier pigeons and napkins. Thanks for reading, have a great September 2nd-9th!
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I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.