I was in a long distance relationship for a while, and we finally were able to meet, with her coming out to see me for a week. The first night, we are lying in bed. It is pitch black, and I am lying awake just thinking about all of this. I was just about to drift off to sleep when I hear,
"Cutting flesh with scissors is weird."
"Cutting flesh with scissors is weird"
I froze. Who was this woman? Who did I let into my house and should I be freaking out and running? As my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, I heard,
"The crunchy bees are under the window."
"They're piling up and I can't sweep up them anymore. They are dying by the thousands!"
At that point I realized she was asleep (it was dark and she was resting against me, so I couldn't tell) and decided to have fun with her. She said some other funny things, but I've long since forgotten them.
Neither of these I actually heard personally, but the second one involves me, so I think it evens out.
There was a friend of mine, Jon, and it was common for him to go to bed a little early. During a class trip, he fell asleep in the hotel room before everyone else did. While all the guys were watching television and socializing, Jon suddenly sits up and says:
"Guys, the party's upstairs. There's a place we are, and a place we need to be."
...and promptly falls back asleep.
There was another time when I fell asleep on the couch and my sister woke me up so I would go to my bed. I was a little mumbly but on my way out I very distinctly muttered:
"Fat people can wear whatever they want because they always look bad."
I've never said anything so true in all my life.
My girlfriend took most of the covers one night and I apparently whimpered and said:
"You stole my warm."
My little brother frightens me.
Me: Hey, are you okay?
Him: ....I got a knife....
Me: A knife?
Him: .....for revenge.....
One of my friends heard someone who fell asleep in class say this "November 7th, we'll be there, make mad love to you ass-clowns" I have no idea what was going on there
This was a friend I was sharing a hotel room with:
"(mumble)... the boxes. And they put the boxes inside other boxes, and it's plainly obvious why they keep selling them!"
"fuck four-legged trucks"
My brother is like a fountain of these things. My personal favorite nugget is this:
"Sleepy Mexican community, stop feeding me marshmallows!"
Certainly not something that one expects to hear at 3AM.
My ex girlfriend once said in her sleep " I don't care if we're out of soap I'm not buying any peanuts."
Very confusing moment.
While not sleep-talking, my mother tends to sleepwalk now and then. Last time she managed to run into her door and gave herself a huge bloody nose. While still asleep she partially cleaned herself up, but it left this huge puddle of blood by the doorframe and splatters on her pillow. Blood is so difficult to get out of carpet, so it's still there...
Another time she was asleep and pouring water into her hand.
I'm known to mutter about 'killing them all' (more often than not directed at zombies), but since I sleep alone there's no telling what I've said recently.
I said this in my sleep, and had my roommate report it to me in the morning.
Back story: My name is Sam.
I sit upright in bed and yell:"AND NOW HERE'S SAM!!!"
Roommate wakes up, thinks I'm talking to him.
Roommate :"What the fuck are you yelling about?"
Me: "I just thought I should introduce myself."
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
Hey, friends! Steve Mnuchin is taking a trip to the money. Let's go with him!
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.