One night, I thought I heard a bear outside (we were up in the woods).
Me: Honey, I heard something.
Boyfriend: I'll protect you.
Him: By lying here.
Not really craziness, but he's a dick when he's sleeping. I was kind of freaked out. He also has a habit of making lunch plans with me and then forgetting because he's asleep.
In basic training, one guy was heard almost screaming, "WE MUST TURN THIS BED INTO A FORT"
One of my friends always talks in his sleep. One time he said "I'm deploying my G.I.'s Joe." He likes Command and Conquer.
The same guy sat up once and said "Ha ha ha ha, car," and promptly laid down again.
I was at my friends house and his sister had crashed on the couch. He went to go ask her about something, I think, and she replied, "We'll put the leaf on the crown tomorrow, just go back to your entertainment pod." We burst out laughing, but she never woke up.
My mom was on her way up to make sure I got up in time for school. She's ascending the stairs, and I poke my head up and shout,
"I'd like some TOAST AND A BMW!!"
I was crashing at a friend's place a while back, and couldn't sleep because his apartment was way too mother fucking hot. As I was laying on the blanket that had become my bed, pondering the meaning of something meaningless, he jumps up in his bed and stares at me with a look of pure terror. It's almost hard to describe how petrified he looked. Imagine, if you will, that Michael Clarke Duncan just you told he was going to anally rape you for two weeks straight.
With this look of terror on his face, he yells..
"Oh JESUS NO! IT'S THE GREEN RANGER! ON THE RIGHT!"
Of all the things in this world to be scared of, fellow goon nineiron's greatest fear seems to be the Power Rangers.
Apparently I talk in my sleep as well. According to my manager, and corroborated by my phone's outgoing call log, I attempted to call off work one morning because I didn't like the smell of peaches.
My girlfriend at the time once said "Stop stealing my car bitch!"
Then she slapped me. Hard.
My dad once said
"Mary! Build the bridge! The Nazis are coming!"
Last night my boyfriend rolled over and exclaimed "I love the models with the bibles!"
I thought he was having some sort of kinky sex dream about nuns or something but when I asked about it the next day he said he was dreaming about Warhammer miniatures.
I'm not sure which I would have preferred.
I once attempted to wake up an ex-girlfriend, who proceeded to inform me that:
"Bunny Day today is you. Over by the fridge."
I had a friend who while on a band overnight thing fell asleep earlier than everyone else. For whatever reason he was not tortured, but instead this gem was heard loud and clear by everyone in the room.
"I'm a cat, I can sleep anywhere."
Oh man, I just remembered something great I did one time.
My alarm went off, and I didn't wake up entirely and I got up and UNPLUGGED THE POWER STRIP FROM THE WALL. How I didn't manage to electrocute myself is a miracle. Then I crawled back in bed and my dad, who had come to my door when the alarm wasn't being turned off yet, asked me if I was okay.
Me: The prongs..
Me: The prongs, you have to..do it to the prongs...
Me: ...*starting to wake up* Never mind what I just said. Forget all that.
Dad: *laughing uncontrollably* So I shouldn't mind the prongs?
I was, of course, referring to the prongs on the strip's cord, but I have no idea what I wanted him to do with them.
My old roommate used to talk in his sleep constantly.
Some of my favorites:
"That's a big trout!"
"No ice cream, no remote control!"
"We gotta get on that" (almost every time a train went by)
"Coffee doesn't make you shut up!"
And perhaps the most disturbing of all:
The fact the he said the last one in a sort of playful scolding tone was pretty damned creepy.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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