My family has a summer house on an island called Koster. Koster resides about 180 kilometers north of where I live, outside a little town called Strömstad. In the summers Koster turns into a big ol' party island, with lots of alcohol and rich Norwegians bringing their mega-yachts over to buy our relatively cheap alcohol and such. I enjoyed spending the summers there, so much in fact that I decided to spend my whole 10 week summer vacation up there. Since my dad and step mom only spend 4 weeks per summer up there, I'd have the place to myself for 6 weeks. Fucking awesome.
I took a nice job renting bikes to people wanting to see the island, the job was easy, lots of sun, lots of things to look at. Put a lot of money in my own pocket and had the house to myself, life was good. I know most of the locals on the island before, but since I'd only spent a few weeks at a time there I only knew them so much. One local in particular seemed interested in me, her name was Hanna. She was decent looking, and we spent some time together chatting around, and then one day I invited her to come back down to my hometown for a friend's birthday. Long story short we hooked up that night and continued to do so when we returned back to the island.
No, saying we hooked up would be wrong. We fucked like rabbits. Every single day several times a day, I was sore all the time and we'd keep going at it. At the time we were sleeping in my parent's bed, using it for our nightly escapades. After 3 wonderful weeks of constant copulation, my step mom was coming up with my 3 brothers to stay in the house. I pulled the sheets off the bed and put them on the floor of the room and headed off to work.
I came home to my whole family laughing at me, somehow my step mom had mistaken our extremely crusty sheets for clean ones and picked them up and started folding them, and found a gigantic fucking wet spot from the night before. Me being 16, I turned about as red as the reddest tomato and tried to play it cool. It didn't work. My 3 brothers immediately told Hanna about their find and she started crying and yelling at me. The whole island found out within 2 days thanks to my brothers' tabloid-like gossip. It was a disaster.
Looking back on it, it's not that bad and rather funny, but being an angsty 16 year old and having this happen to you is no fun.
A friend of mine had hooked me up with a friend of his girlfriend, "L", and we got on pretty well. Very well in fact, as on my second visit to her home she told me she wanted me to fuck her. Her parents went out to the pub with some friends in the early part of the evening, her mum leaving us with a very deliberate "Have fun whilst we're gone, but be safe" and a wink.
The slight trouble was L's younger sister (I was 21, L was 18, the younger sister was about 8). We eventually convinced her to go off to bed, and L decides its time to get it on, but just to be sure that her sister doesn't interrupt us she wants to screw in the bathroom, with the door locked. So we get in there, strip and snog, have a little fiddle and she bends over the bathtub. I start fucking, and after about a minute realize that there’s a problem.
L has a stank ass. And just so I'm being clear here, her ass was smelling, and bad, and the more I fuck, the worse it gets. This is totally putting me off, and I'm desperately trying to work out how I can cut this short and get the fuck away from this non-wiping non-showering girl.
*knock knock* "L, are you in there? I need to use the toilet, and where's Jeet?"
Its the little sister. L looks at me in a panic and tells her sister that she is using the bathroom and that she should use the other toilet. Once we hear the door close to the other loo, I dis-mount, now thankfully flaccid, and throw my clothes on. L starts apologizing and telling me how good it was, and all I can say is something like "yeah, it was fun, but I should really go". I give her a kiss and thunder out the toilet, then the front door, and rapidly make my way home.
I get about halfway when I realize that I was in such a rush I forgot to take off the condom, and stick my hands down my pants to get it out, then hurl it onto the train tracks I'm walking past.
I saw L a couple of times after that, but we never had sex again. I made decent excuses and we broke up a couple of weeks later, when I realized she had a brain the size of a pea.
Years ago, just after high school I lived on the Emerald coast (Part of the Gulf of Mexico if you don't know) and enjoyed going to the beach. The woman I was dating, who was my first and I was hers, well we experimented a lot. Not anything extreme, but we were always trying to spice things up. Well, having worked on certain beaches doing various jobs, I knew of this one place that still had some okay sized dunes and reads right by the jetties (sp?) an area where the bay drained out into the gulf. There were restaurants only like 100 yards away, but across the water and since we went after dark there was no real apparent way of being seen. That being said we brought our "picnic" blanket, a basket with some drinks, and walked the long walk from the parking lot to the end of the beach where the small dunes were. To our surprise there were a few people going on walks, using the area we were going to for their walk, but they soon stopped coming as it got later. Chilling on our blanket we finally got over the initial hesitation of being in public and began to do our thing.... Fast forward to the "event"
To paint the picture I am now taking her from behind, she's out doggy style and its a hot and heavy moment, when out of no where the loud resounding echoed blast of an air horn fires off, followed by quite possibly the brightest light I've ever seen. In a deer-in-headlights kind of way I slowly turn and notice a huge party boat, the kind that look like a mini-cruise liner moving by. The people are on the deck drunk as hell and partying...and all cheering us on like we were some sort of show. I really didn't know what to do, but all of a sudden I kind of smirked and kept at it...I'm the shy type but what else would I do? My girlfriend stopped me soon after and said we should leave, a horrified look upon her face... She cried the whole way home.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.