"I was using a vibrator on my face (sinus issues - works like a charm) and slipped - the fucking thing skidded off my EYEBALL, dislodged my contact, and hurt like fuck.
coworker: ew- pink eye?
me: (sheepish) naw- contact issues.
The excruciating pain in my sinuses was replaced by a throbbing eyeball "
"One time when I was 8 or so I was at an outdoor pool with my friend.
Friend: OW I stepped on a bee!
Me: Are you o-OW I stepped on a bee!
There were a lot of bees at that pool. It was a bad pool."
"Sprained my wrist air drumming."
"Pulled a muscle in my neck while air guitaring. We should start up an air band called "The Sprained Retards."
"I broke my leg by slipping in mud while chasing a squirrel."
"Are you a beagle?"
"One of my friends had been visiting family in Australia for a few weeks and was packing to come home a few hours before the flight. Unable to find her passport, she picked up a wooden ruler and proceeded to dance around the room waving it like a wand and shouting 'accio passport!' until she stabbed herself in the eye, had to go to the hospital and missed her flight home."
"I always had warts on my hands. It took about 15 visits to a dermatologist to get rid of them once and for all. At least, so I thought. I also used to shave my twig and berries with an electric razor. One day, I noticed a group of bumps forming around my shaft and balls. I went to the doctor to ask what was up. Apparently, I had what he described as a "cousin to genital warts." See, genital warts are transmitted via fluids exchanging. Whatever I managed to get can only be given via skin-to-skin contact. At the time, I wasn't sleeping around. So the only conclusion my doctor could draw was this:
Electric razor on balls causes skin irritation. Skin irritation leaves it more susceptible to injury or disease. Hence, shaved privates + masturbating with a wart-infested hand = bumps on penis. That's right... I managed to give myself an STD."
"When I was little, about 4 I think, I was having blood taken and was naturally apprehensive of needles. I got through the entire ordeal by looking firmly away and biting my tongue. Once the nurse finished, she then proceeded to wave the BLOODY SYRINGE in my face, grinning, and telling me 'see! all done!.'
I promptly fainted, bouncing my head off of a nearby countertop, falling on a tray of medical things, and slowly sliding my way onto the floor unconscious. I later woke up to multiple injuries, and the realisation I had managed to bite part of my tongue clean off. "
"I was at work at my Gamestop a few days ago, about to ring up a customer, when I saw my scanner device had been knocked onto the floor somehow. Instead of simply picking it up, I decided to be cool and grab the cord it was connected to, and swing it upwards in an arc to catch it with my other hand. I've done it a thousand times. Not this time.
My other hand missed it when it came around, and its circular arc continued directly into my groin, with an amusing *THUNK* sound caused by a remarkably solid hit by a round, hard, plastic device the size of a tennis ball. About six or seven people saw this, and let me tell you, they thought I was a pretty cool dude."
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.