Mushmouth Learns a Lesson (part one), inspired by Fat Albert, written by Mr_Schmoo.Mushmouth was especially eager to go to the junkyard that morning. Fat Albert invited him to play in the band. Having no musical ability prevented Mushmouth from joining. To a normal person, this would be puzzling. Sure, Mushmouth could play a very bad piece on a trombone made from PVC pipe and play a harp made from a brass bedpost, but he never really played with the group. Reasoning escaped him through his excitement. He ran so fast that he had nearly lost his orange hat, his long blue scarf and, in all the excitement, failed to notice that his canvas Converse sneakers were on the wrong feet.When Mushmouth arrived at the clubhouse in the municipal scrap yard, he did not see the rest of the gang. Inside the clubhouse he saw only Bill and Fat Albert there.“Hey-ba Fa-ba Alba!” Mushmouth said, “Where-ba is everybaba else?”“Hey Hey Hey!” Fat Albert said in his trademarked manner, spewing out bits of the turkey leg he was eating “It’s just us few today!” Bill stood there, silent, arms folded, his wrists jutting out of his undersized beige jacket.“Well-ba,” Mushmouth said “Are-bu we-bu gonna practice music-ubah?”“We gonna play a special game today.” Fat Albert said. He smiled, wiped his gigantic face with his orange sweater sleeve. It left a sticky film of Turkey grease and fat.“I spoke to Dumb Donald last night, and he said that you were riding my bike. And that’s something I don’t like” Fat Albert said.“But that wubbah me-buh!” Mushmouth said, his lips quivering. “I wubbah home-buh last night! I sweah-buh”Mushmouth fell to his knees, pleading with Fat Albert to believe him. Mushmouth, though failed to notice Bill was approaching him from behind. Suddenly, Bill grabbed Mushmouth’s scarf and began choking him with it.“AAACCCHHHH-uba” Mushmouth said, trying to free himself.Fat Albert stood up and removed his orange sweatshirt which was acting like a thin girdle. Then, bulging like a damn which was about to burst, his expansive gut grew and drooped completely over his belt loops. His back fat poured over his jeans and completely covered his back pockets.“Remember when Rudy found that wallet on the street and decided to keep it for himself only to find out that the man who owned it was a millionaire and gave Rudy a big reward for finding it because he had a picture of his dead wife in it?” Fat Albert said. “He learned a lesson about honesty.”Bill began to drag Mushmouth out of the clubhouse by his scarf. Mushmouth began to flail his arms and legs around.“Then remember when my mama made me that pie and I was going to eat it all by self, but then I realized that my friends would like a slice?” Fat Albert said, following the flailing Mushmouth out of the clubhouse and into the junkyard. “I learned a lesson about sharing.”“So-buh wu-buh?” Donald said, straining his voice.Fat Albert stuffed his arm under his gut and his huge pants fell to the ground.“You gonna learn a lesson about why stealing my bike is wrong! Hey Hey Hey!” Fat Albert said, drool coming out of his mouth.“Where you want him Al?” Bill asked.“Put him over there by the used diapers,” Fat Albert said “the smell makes me feel sexy!”Bill dragged Mushmouth over to the two foot high pile of yellow diapers. Mushmouth, on all fours started frantically looking for an exit. In a flash Bill had run around to close a makeshift chain link gate, shutting off escape. Albert began wiping turkey grease on his nipples with his one hammy hand and with his other hand slid his fingers into his asscrack. He attempted to stick his fingers into his rectum to massage his prostate. But his arms were too short and his ass too huge.“Oh well” Albert said. He then waddled over to the diapers and jammed his fingers into it. He then sniffed them like a bouquet of roses. Albert began to get excited over the smell of baby excretions, turkey meat and his own ass. “Hey Hey Hey!” Albert said pointing to what would be his crotch with greasy fingers. “I think my little friend wants to play!”(canned laughter)“Now Bill, I’m ready!” Fat Albert yelled.Bill then got down on his knees, shoved himself into Fat Albert’s humongous belly and with great shaking effort slowly lifted his gut with his legs and back, exposing Albert's erect penis.“Whubbah, Whubbah am I subbosed-buh tuba duba wit that” Mushmouth said.“If you want to be in the gang, take Albert's Pringles-can sized cock into your mouth!” (canned laughter) Bill said, straining under Albert’s weight.Mushmouth, nervously unhinged his lower jaw like a boa constrictor and…
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.