Nazar's Dad:"No good deed goes unpunished."The Human Crouton's Mom: "I think it was that lemonade you drank that's been making you cough all week."
fsck's Mom: "I'm so happy that the two of you are getting married. I knew from the moment she brought you home that you would end up together... but I had my doubts for a while because I thought you were gay."
jAWN's Dad: "Jon, remember, penetration is the most important part."
machinegirl's Mom: "If you're going to do drugs, make sure they're good ones."
Jumbo Cactuar's Dad: "Be careful. The big thing that gay guys do at the moment is to slip a drug into a guys drink... then take him home. You don't want a big black guy putting his cock in your ass do you?"
yaffle's Mom: "Don't forget to wear a condom and remember what I told you about the clitoris."
AtomBomb's Dad: "I've only seen a picture of a naked woman once, and I'm ashamed of it."
Graves' Dad: "You should probly start learning how to live on your own soon because I don't know how long i'm going to be around and I don't think your mother likes you very much." Jimix's Mom: "Eh, do what you want, as long as you are happy and I don't have to pay for it."
The Bitch's Mom:"For god's sake, sleep with a man before you marry him."
Squeeze Truck's Dad: "How can you stand it when that gay hairdresser touches your head? Can you imagine what he must be thinking?"
JumpinJackFlash's Dad: "Keep your tools in your toolbox or I'll beat the shit out of you."
Ruckmaker's Dad: "Son, one day when you are old enough to order a real daiquiri don't. People will think you are a queer."
vmalloc's Dad: "I think you're easily influenced by shit."
Psychogirl's Mom: "Wear lipstick and mascara at least, or everyone will think you are a triangle!"
Cuerzo's Dad: "I prefer you be dead than smoking pot."
chairdoctor's Dad: "I'd rather you smoke pot than cigarettes. At least you'd get something out of it."
Ganryu's Mom: "You're going to be pretty sad when your brother and sister and I are living in a mansion in heaven and you're burning in hell."
Rannic's Dad: "Son, you're in college now. You'll probably be doing lots of things that your mother and I don't want to hear about. So keep your goddamned mouth shut."
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.