What weapons are you trained in the use of?
Glock, AR-15, Shotgun, MP5, Baton, OC Spray, Stun Gun. Fist to the back of the head sometimes works too.
On your level, how are bribes handled? Would you be willing to accept a bribe to not ticket/possibly-arrest someone? At what amount? If not, what checks exist to prevent you from doing so??
Suggesting a bribe is a pretty risky move where I work. You're likely to be arrested. I can't imagine taking $75 for what will possibly end my career. I love my job and it's not worth $75.
There are not a whole lot of checks to prevent me from doing so, other than someone complaining.
What would you do if you pulled someone over and their wife was going into labor in the car, like they had been speeding to get to the hospital and you pulled them over, what do you do? And also, what if a man was speeding and rushing to get to the hospital for to see his baby born?
Depending on the gravity of the current situation I would tell them to slow down and send them on their way. I have a couple of kids so I know about birth, what is an emergency and what is not. I stopped a guy the other day who was speeding to get to the hospital with his pregnant wife. She yells "I HAVE THE FLU I HAVE TO GET TO THE DOCTOR NOW!". She was four months along. I advised him that having the flu was not an emergency and that he needed to slow down, I didn't write him a ticket. Had he taken it to court the judge would throw it out anyway.
If your speeding to get to the hospital to see your baby born I would probably send you on your way too, depending on how fast you were going. I'm bad about asking questions to prove that you really are having a baby though, don't try to fool me.
This brings to mind the best excuse I have ever heard for getting out of a speeding ticket. I stopped this kid for speeding 20 over and I walk up to the door. He says "Officer I know I was speeding and I'm very sorry. I have pink eye and my doctor says it's very contagious. Do you have some of that hand sanitizer in your car after you handle my license?" I looked at his eye and it was somewhat red. I told him to slow down and walked away, never ran his license. My friend's brother tried this, he rubbed his eye and gave the same excuse, it worked. Props to anyone who has the balls to pull that off.
What is your opinion on celebrities committing felonies and getting just a slap on the wrist for it?
That happens everywhere. If you have a bit of pull with the court then you can get away with anything short of murder (No, wait. You can get off on murder too, if you played football).
My opinion is that it stinks. The laws should apply to everyone the same.
Several times in my life I have been in the car and gotten that pants-shitting thread feeling. I'm only 10 minutes away from home and there are no clean bathroom between here and home. I'm holding on with all my strength and speeding to get home to prevent a mess. If I get pulled over, what should I do? I'm talking so bad that if I have to stop I might have to jump out and let 'er rip. I'd assume I'd get a ticket for public defecation. Is there any solution to this that gets me home asap without a ticket?
I don't know. I have heard stories of people getting pulled over and they bolt out of the car, run to the side of the road and drop their pants. If you can actually defecate I'll probably cut you a break.
How does your wife take the job? And how do you think your kids will?
My wife hates it when I work nights. Every other month I get a speech about how I sleep all day and don't spend any time with her, like it's the first time that has happened. She has never been able to accept that I cannot be on a day schedule when I'm off and nights when I'm on. One cannot simply stay awake for 24 hours then turn around and stay awake all night two days later.
Kids are too young to have much of a thought about it yet. My daughter likes my car. I assume they will get some ribbing in school over it.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.