Swizzle

The Dawn


VendaGoat posted:

Ok another anecdote, this one is so fucking embarrassing.

My grandmother was watching my brother and I, while my parents were out doing something. It's shower time, so my brother goes to our bathroom and I get to use my parents shower.

The Laundry hamper was full and this happens.

I am completly fucking naked and screaming from the pain. My grandmother races upstairs and can't find where I am, because in my struggles I knocked the lid of the chute closed. (she was fucking old ok?) So after a quick search she can't find me and panics, pounding on the door to the bathroom my brother is in, screaming the entire time. She goes back into my parents room and this time finds me.

My brother is now holding his junk, trying to wrap a towel around himself and my grandmother is screaming. Without waiting for an explination, he runs into the room, still stark naked and sees me. Thankfully he goes to get some pants before extracting me, this is the mistake.

My grandmother sprints downstairs and brings up with her, one bottle of dawn dish soap and a bottle of olive oil, thinking she can lube me up to squeeze through. Well this doesn't end well, without regard for me, she upends both bottles on my head and slathers it over my body. It was my fucking knee that was stuck, not my body and she rubs the damn shit in my eyes.

Well this sets me off wailing again from the pain. She now gets the bright idea to do back downstairs and open the chute and let me slide out. While I am in a sheer panic my brother comes back into the room and attempts to extract me from the hole, but can't get a grip because of the fucking oil/soap mixture on me, it was at this time my grandma decided to open the chute.

Now she was an little old lady and was not prepaired for the hundred pounds of clothes that flew out of the chute and smashed her in the face and I fared no better. You see my left foot was still standing on the heap of laundry, that until a moment ago was under me, this only serves to wedge me in further.

My brother at this point has grabbed a towel and is attempting to dry off the mix of shit keeping him from freeing me. Just as he finishes and grabs hold, my grandmother jumps up and grabs hold of my dangling leg and holds on for dear life.

So imagine having your right knee on your chin, your back and shin holding your and someone elses weight, while someone else has a firm grip on your head, all while you have soap/oil in your eyes.

I still get shit about this some 20 years later.


VenomHowell

zee is zae


And that'll get this year off to a great start. Thanks again to DARNTOOTINHOSS and everyone at the forums who contributed.

– Tekky "Jumpman16" Andrew-Jaja

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.