Hello again, folks! Mayor Wilkins here with another magical Comedy Goldmine update feature thing.
We've all done things in life that were far from smooth. Forum goon Correnth started a thread last week asking people to post about their least smooth moments in life. I wrote about my most un-smooth moment on the front page, so if you missed it, go back and read it. Or don't. It's really up to you.
Correnth gets things started off...
I recently recounted this to a friend of mine as one of my dumber moments with the opposite sex, and figured I'd share with the assorted crowd. And, hopefully, get some similar moments in return.
Anyway, I'm not a bad looking guy--I'm no Brad Pitt or anything, but I'm alright in certain ways. And I usually manage to offset any physical deficiancy with my out-right charm and wit.
But, for whatever reason, on this one occasion my wit managed to fail me, and in quite possibly the most spectacular way.
I had recently been dumped by my fiancee of three years, and was not doing so hot--Mental anguish, sleepless nights, all that good emo stuff. But I was trying, dammit, so I figured that getting out with some friends of mine might not be a bad idea. Apparently an entire calvacade of people were heading out to the movies one night, and after a couple of phone calls I ended up being dragged along for the ride--Promised to be a decent enough time, and it would be good to get out of my dark little hovel for a while.
But what I didn't realize is that *she* was coming.
The 'she' in question was named Melinda (name changed to... do something, I dunno). Melinda was someone I had known off and on for a few years, and though we both realized we definitely had a thing for each other, neither of us were ever in a position where we could do anything about it--I had a fiancee I was very happy with, and that was that. But, still, the mutual attraction was there, and while neither of us had admitted to it, we just kind of accepted it and moved on.
She showed up, looking at her absolute best--Somewhat of a victorian goth chick, sewed all her own clothes, had the most beautiful voice known to man kind. Seriously, this girl could belt out opera like you wouldn't believe. Bit of a weird one, and maybe slightly on the butter side, but a little weight didn't stifle her charm, humour, and intelligence. This girl kicked ass.
We saw each other at the theater and my mind stopped for a few minutes. I realized that this... this could be my chance. I'd wanted this girl for years now, knew it was mutual, and could actually *act* on it. Maybe it was just what I needed to get out of my funk, too! This could be great!!
Movie comes and goes, rather uneventfully at that, and we all head back to one dude's house to chill for a while. By this point it was getting close to 2am, and I was zonked--My funk had kept me from getting good rest, and it was taking it's toll. Meantime, Melinda was doing her thing as a social butterfly, making the rounds, talking to people--Figured I'd wait for the right moment to say something, or make a move.
Time passes, and I'm growing more and more weary. Almost about ready to pass out on the couch. At that point, Melinda walks up and asks if I'm ok. I reply that I'm just tired, and about ready to pass out.
She gets a little twinkle in her eye, says "Well, we'll have to fix that"... and plops down on my lap, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck.
Now, I like to think of my mind as a tiny control center. Bunch of little guys running around, pushing buttons, pulling levers, making things go. At this precise moment, each and every one of those little dudes panicked, hitting The Big Red Button. The one that shuts everything down. The one that raises the alarm claxons, sends everything to Defcon 5, and locks up the base of operations.
So here I am, with the object of my desires sitting on my lap, looking at me like a cat about ready to enjoy a saucer of milk. She looks beautiful, looks like everything I could want at that moment, looks like an angel descended from heaven.
I look to her, face blank and emotionless... and utter "Aahuduuuuuuhhhurrr?" Literally. I may have missed a few random letters, but that's about as good an inerpertation as I can recall.
The grin fades, and her face drops. She looks at me with confusion for a moment, slowly slides off my lap, and wanders elsewhere. About 15 seconds later, I regain composure, and most likely turn beet red. The charm had failed me, and I had lost. All gone, in the blink of an eye.
So, yeah, that's my incredibly un-smooth moment. You're invited to relay your own. And, just so the story has a somewhat happy ending, the two of us *did* almost hook up roughly a year later, and got our feelings out in the open. Unfortunatly, while nothing really came out of it, we are good friends to this day. And she never once brought up my brief stupidity.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.