Johnny Drama gave us this lyrical masterpiece, which is more "drive-thru" than "drive-by"
I go through hos like Big Ron go through bread
Gimme some lip, I'll dip my nuggets on yo' forehead
All these pussy ass bitches handing out Crappy Meals
I bet you whiny little punks pick Barbie instead of Hot Wheels
You ain't no Big Mac, you ain't no shake
In fact you the only orphan Dave Thomas wouldn't take
Your fries are the size of flies you re'lize
I got a foot long coney try to hide yo' surprise
The stakes, and perhaps even the steaks, were raised once more by The Maestro
Yo I'm Ronald McDonald, bitches think I'm mean
Pimped out Wendy, now I'm pimpin the Dairy Queen
That bitch is a freak, she's always lactatin'
Charged the Burger King a quarter pound for masturbatin'
She made Carl, Jr.'s dick straight swell
She didn't charge him nothin' 'cause he rang her Taco Bell
Had to beat the ho up 'cause she didn't realize
That I had to give Carl an order of bullets, Super Size
But the last word went to our old friend tractorcrusher, who wrote the definitive 'Old People In McDonalds' rap. A genre-defining effort.
Please keep my French fries lean
Don't need no salt cause I'm cholesterol king
I use my shirt to keep my dentures clean
Don't need no dirt cause I wash once a week
Damn kids behind me ask what the hold up
So I swing my cane and tell them shut up
Got no respect for veteran soldiers
Need no caffeine just de-caf folgers
I'm the father of the boomin' babies
Husband of a now deceased lady
The kids put me in a nursing home like they hate me
When I whisper I still talk at the maximum
Gotta watch what I eat or I'll be Ex-Laxin' 'em
I vote Republican, hate hippies, and think we should be taxin' them
Back to the menu, this has to be a joke
A dollar forty-nine for a diet Coke
Back in my day that could buy a boat
I just released my bowels and I think my pants are soaked
Methane gas I be producin'
The kids behind me pretending to be pukin'
5 miles per hour under the limit I'm usually cruisin'
With NPR playing in my Cadillac cause that's all I'm choosin'
Thanks again to the multi-talented forum goons for their contributions this week. Next week's Comedy Goldmine will look at sick bastards who gain pleasure from manipulating human remains. Here's a small preview, which is not suitable for those of a nervous disposition.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.