As usual, all the keepers and curators showed up for the action. When we got there, we could hear screaming and banging in the hallway. Looking in through the window in the door revealed nothing. The hallway was like a 'T', and the noise was coming from around the left bend.
The vets decided to load up their tranquilizer pistols and go in. They opened the door and crept down the hall with all of us close behind. It looked like a scene from a Marx Brothers movie. The two vets would take two steps; the 15 people behind them would take two steps. Slowly we crept, inch by inch........
Finally we got to the 'T' of the hallway. They looked right, and then looked left. Then they both burst out in laughter. Red had chased Kathy down the hall and the door to the kitchen shut behind him, locking him out into the hall. Once out there, he smelled chocolate and discovered the candy machine.
The two vets found him lying on his side with his left arm stuck way up inside the candy machine. He was screaming and would flip around and start beating and banging on the front of the candy box. At first we thought he was being electrocuted. Then we realized that he was trapped with his arm stuck up in the front of the machine.
They shot him and within 30 seconds, he was approachable. He lay there, hand still wedged up inside the candy machine. They placed a small net over Red and security unlocked the top of the machine so we could try to free Red's hand. When they swung the door of the machine back, we all started laughing again.
Red had grabbed onto like 5 candy bars and refused to let go. His fat greedy fist wouldn't come back out the front of the machine, so he got "stuck". We pried his fingers from the candy and got him out. He was fine.
Jerri ended up confessing about the chocolate and got transferred back to the Antelope House.
That's it for this weeks Goldmine. A big thanks again to SA Forum Goon "Bigpeeler" for the stories! Next week, we get to that tuberculosis that I promised you.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.