So we decided to go to the park for a couple of hours one night. I figured we'd go, talk, and maybe she'd seem like less of a beast in my eyes. We get there and she whips out this blanket that she thinks we're both going to lie on. Ha! Sure thing. Just to keep her happy, I sat on the edge of the blanket and made up some bullshit line about a bad back and how lying down was painful. She seemed to buy it. We talked and she seemed a little less insane than before. I was beginning to think that maybe we'd get along despite her unlovable visage.
Then she tried to kiss me.
She said something about how she usually wouldn't kiss guys that she wasn't dating, but that she'd make an exception in my case, and then she leaned in and tried to put her tongue in my mouth. I managed to scramble away and, lying through my teeth once again, said that I couldn't kiss someone that I wasn't dating. I said I'd tried it before but that it had always produced horrible results. I even apologized. She bought that, too, and said that if I changed my mind, well, she was more than willing to kiss me...or more.
Agh. Ugh. "Or more."
No way in hell.
So I take her home and she tries to put her hand on my leg on the way back to her house. I ask her to please not do that, and, disappointed, she complies. As I drop her off at her doorstep, she again tries to cram her tongue into my mouth, at which point I step away and say that I absolutely have not changed my stance on the "no kissing" thing. Disappointed again, she says that she understands. At this point, her lips hadn't actually touched mine, but not from lack of trying on her part. I vowed at that moment that her lips would never, ever touch mine. She tells me that she really wants to kiss me, and that she'd like to date me. That way, see, I'd kiss her. I tell her I'm not ready for a relationship.
She asks me if I want to have sex with her.
Whoa. What the fuck? I won't kiss, but I'll fuck?
See, she's primed and ready for me to put my penis in her. The problem there, though, is that I wouldn't fuck her with a dead homeless man's dick attached to the end of a fifty-foot pole with Newt Gingrich doing the pushing. She thinks that I'll date her and then we'll make the instant jump to having sex. She says that her parents are asleep and that we can be really quiet, since she's got this curfew and all. She'll just go in, make sure they're asleep, and then she'll sneak me in and the silent fuckfest can begin. No need for a condom, either!
At this point I stopped worrying about hurting her feelings. I told her no and said that I wasn't ready for a relationship, and that I didn't have those kind of feelings for her anyway, so basically she needed to back off and leave me the hell alone. She wasn't happy, but she bade me goodnight and went inside. I went home and slept, confident with the notion that she'd leave me the hell alone and I'd have learned a very valuable, important lesson.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.