February 26, 2013
I wish I cared about anything as much as Subway cares about putting avocados in their stupid fucking subs
- Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) February 19, 2013
live your life in a way that when people find out the freaky sex shit you're into they're just like "haha yeah that definitely makes sense"
- acidic jew (@subtle_violence) February 19, 2013
theres 2 rival communities on twitter: hollywood celebs and adult men who wear diapers and make turds in them. i'll pick sides later
- deg (@degg) February 21, 2013
workin hard or hardly workin? i dont know you tell me Ass Hole...which is the one that describes me haveing a boner at the office
- rad milk (@rad_milk) February 21, 2013
My best pick up line, "Now's your chance to get in on the ground floor of something special," is more effective when I'm not drunk at noon.
- Rob Hoffman (@Rob_Hoffman) February 21, 2013
Hey so this is awkward considering we broke up two years ago, but this love coupon does say "expires: never" soooo can I get that foot rub?
- Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) February 21, 2013
ok so i just saw a bar named 'spirited away' and my car screeched to a raging halt #anime #alcoholism (?)
- Hot Mini Donuts (@diaper_wolf) February 21, 2013
"yeah this movie is a real tearjerker" - me holding a dvd of Crying Masturbating Men 7
- stefan(@boring_as_heck) February 21, 2013
you're telling me a chicken fried this rice?
- Tami Cruickshank (@TamiCruickshank) February 22, 2013
Vanilla ice . Com
- Vanilla Ice (@vanillaice) February 23, 2013
the sun begins to set into the ocean. the wind billows through my white linen shirt. i play a sensuous sax solo wearing my google glasses
- GraeyDave (@graeyalien) February 23, 2013
*mega huge tampon falls out of my pocket* oh damn how'd this get here ;)
- beebles (@beebles) February 23, 2013
You know how the store keeps cilantro and parsley separate so people don't confuse them? Hollywood does that with me and Val Kilmer.
- Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 24, 2013
BTW I am nominated for Sound Editing for Les Miserables for my ability to quickly hit “mute” whenever Russell Crowe sings
- Andy Levy (@andylevy) February 25, 2013
just parted my hair down the exact middle like a total piece of shit
- GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) February 25, 2013
Not a great time for those of us who regularly search "onion cunt" as the query seems to be filled with drama of some sort
- jerry cat aol.com (@dogboner) February 25, 2013
i have a plunger with a horizontal handle but it's only big enough for one hand. i want one that's like a dynamite plunger from looney toons
- tinybaby (@tinybaby) February 25, 2013
review: koala kare diaper station with the fuckin bear on it. awful. sorry im not some size 0 model who can use this without it snapping off
- wint (@dril) February 25, 2013
I just read that the onion was in hot water but how did the world know I was making soup?! #Technology #InformationAge #RobotApocalypse
- Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 25, 2013
I told my grandpa that it was all going to be okay since The Onion apologized and he said "Son, you are not makin' a lick of sense"
- matt (@biorhythmist) February 25, 2013
MAYBE THE IKEA MONKEY WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM THE HORSE MEAT, WOW WHAT A C-WORD, OPPA GANGNAM STYLE, THIS IS A TOILET WEBSITE #HARLEMSHAKE
- Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) February 25, 2013
100% real, this is what my phone pocket typed in my gym shorts today instagr.am/p/WK4eE9yx-z/
- Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) February 25, 2013
Can you say you're drowning in pussy if it's just yours
- Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) February 26, 2013
The week after I shared about my abandonment issues with my psychiatrist he quit, but he'll be back, right?I'll be better, I promise.
- Tricia (@Im_Tricia) February 26, 2013
cant sleep due to constantly putting figure fours on my persecutors in dream. doc says i have wrestles leg syndrome. i just want relief.
- Greg (@weedguy420boner) February 26, 2013
How about this: I'm willing to let this horse meat mistake slidesdale?
- christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 26, 2013
Let me explain why I don't use abbreviations (abbreves for short):
- KATORYN REVY (@butthugs) February 26, 2013
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